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Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

Things Mom Would Never Say

- How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

- Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too

- Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery

- Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week

- Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day

- Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me.

- The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

- I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve

- Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve

A man speaks frantically into the phone:

- My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

- Is this her first child? - the doctor queries.

- No, you idiot! - the man shouts.

- This is her husband!

The First Parent by Bill Cosby

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was:

- Don't.

- Don't what? - Adam replied.

- Don't eat the forbidden fruit.

- Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?

- It's over there - said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.

- Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit? - the First Parent asked.

- Uh huh - Adam replied.

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.

After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.

The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.

In very tiny letters, the stamp said:

- When you can read this, come back and see me.

The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch. Someone dialed 911. When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.

- It was enough to make anybody faint - he said.

- My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower.

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

- Some parents - she said - tell the older child, 'We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'

One of the women spoke up immediately:

- Does she cook???

My Mother taught me LOGIC:

- If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.

My Mother taught me MEDICINE:

- If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD:

- If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!

My Mother taught me ESP:

- Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE:

- What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!

You know you have turned into a Mom when...

- You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

- You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

- You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

- You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

- You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

- You get soooo into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

- You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say: Mom, why…

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

- Da-ad...

- What?

- I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

- No. You had your chance. Lights out.

[Five minutes later]

- Da-aaaad...

- WHAT?

- I'm THIRSTY... Can I have a drink of water??

Parent's Dictionary of Meanings

DUMBWAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and...

- Where does mommy live?

- Minneapolis.

- Where does grandma live?

- Baltimore.

- Where does grandpa live?

- Baltimore.

- And where does daddy live?

- At work!

Needless to say, he took the morning off that next day...

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

- I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family - said the man.

- To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.

The son-in-law interrupted:

- I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.

- I see - replied the father-in-law.

- Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.

- I hate office work - said the son-on-law.

- I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.

- Wait a minute - said the father-in-law.

The Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

Are You Ready for Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything…

Mom's Brownies Recipe

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr:

- no, no.

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail.

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

- I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive - says the beaming boy to his father.

- Nope - comes dad's reply:

- I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years.

Laws of Household Physics

Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.
11. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
12. I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude ... I like that.
13. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car -- GO CRAZY.
14. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?
15. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend ... you might want to consider throwing a party.
16. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies -- you know -- that makes…

A Teenager is...

- A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

- A youngster who receives his/her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows from his/her best friend on Wednesday.

- Someone who can hear a song by Madonna played three blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

- A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

- A student who will spend 12 minutes studying for her history exam and 12 hours for her driver's license.

- A youngster who is well informed about anything he doesn't have to study.

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

- Everyone knows - the mother lectured him:

- that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.

- Oh really? - said the lifeguard:

- from the diving board!?!?

Things My Mother Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC...:

- If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me.

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...:

- If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way.

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...:

- If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!

My Mother taught me ESP...:

- Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...:

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her:

- no.

The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly:

- Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long.

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said:

- There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out.

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the…

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said:

- That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

- The bus driver insulted me - she fumed.

The man sympathized and said:

- Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers.

- You're right - she said.

- I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.

The following is a true story.

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.

Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says:

- Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!