It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God, but to create him. - Arthur C. Clarke
Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders? - Friedrich Nietzsche
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. - Voltaire
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. - Peter OToole
To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error. - Janet Coleman
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. - Andy Rooney
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. - George Carlin
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. - Paul Beatty
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. - Joey Adams
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonnette
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. - Henry Youngman
It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week. - Laurence J. Peter
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? - Unknown
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? - Lily Tomlin
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. - John Barrymore
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. - Robert Frost
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason. - Molly McGee
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. - Mickey Rooney
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues. - Helen Rowland
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that. - Unknown
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn. - Madonna
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others. - Henry Youngman
To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'. - Rita Rudner
This guy says:
- I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.
I said:
- Oh, a gay trucker? - Judy Tenuta
Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks. - Jean Kerr
Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same…
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. - J. Paul Getty
A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
- When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much. - Lord Barnett
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. - Rita Rudner
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to. - Dorothy Parker
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. - Errol Flynn
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar. - H. L. Mencken
Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties. - George Clooney
Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material. - Dave Letterman
Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living. - P. J. ORourke
Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary. - Robert Louis Stevenson
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself…
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton
Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. - Lenny Bruce
I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine. - Mel Gibson
I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against. - David Niven
One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. - Edgar Watson Howe
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. - Robert Frost
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse - Dennis Miller
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? - Edgar Bergen
Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen
The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job. - Slappy White
I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. - Robert Paul
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up…
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. - Tom Clancy
I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it. - William Faulkner
I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87. - Steve Martin
I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know. - Mel Brooks
It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. - Robert Benchley
A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction. - William…
Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. - Mae West
Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. - Jimi Hendrix
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. - Marty Feldman
How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars. - Steve Martin
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. - W.C. Fields
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. - Samuel Palmer
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says:
- I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.
The second guy says:
- I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids.
The third guy says:
- I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker.
They turn to the woman and ask her:
- What are you?
She replies:
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35 Chicken or Beef $2.25 Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis…
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Supposedly, these are actual advertisements that have appeared in papers across the country.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.
Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.
Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come…
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships:
- DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS
At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation:
- Belt your family. It's the law.
Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula:
- Broken English spoken perfectly
At an Applebee's restaraunt:
- NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!
Fitness Center sign:
On a ski lift in Taos, NM:
- No jumping from the lift. Survivors will be prosecuted.
Official sign near door: Door Alarmed. Handprinted sign nearby: Window frightened.
Road sign seen on the island of Cyprus (translation of the Greek):
- Caution: Road Slippery from Grapejuice
A sign advertising a Company wide skiing race: Let's see who can go downhill the fastest.
Sign in King's Canyon in California:
- Slow Parking Ahead
A billboard seen next to the highway, travelling from Johannesburg International Airport into town. An Ad for BMW showing a photo of a BMW 328i convertible with the roof and all the windows down. The caption reads:
- Our hardware runs better without WINDOWS!!!
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
At a Santa Fe gas station:
- We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.
In a New York restaurant:
- Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.
On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
- Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.-Sisters of Mercy
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners:
- 38 years on the same spot.
In a Los Angeles dance hall:
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
On a New York convalescent home:
- For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.
On a Maine shop:
- Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.
At a number of military bases:
- Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards:
- Now available in multi-packs.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Outside a country shop:
- We buy junk and sell antiques.
In the window of an Oregon store:
- Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?
In a Maine restaurant:
- Open 7 days a week and weekends.
In the vestry of a New England church:
- Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.
In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign in a realtor's office:
- Lots for little.
Sign in a shoe store:
- Come in and have a fit.
Sign in a maternity clothes store:
- We are open on labor day.
Sign in a non-smoking area:
- If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
Sign on the door of the maternity ward:
These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
Sign on a scientist's door:
- Gone fission.
Sign in a taxidermist's window:
- We really know our stuff.
Sign in a podiatrist's window:
- Time wounds all heels.
Sign in a butcher's window:
- Let me meat your needs.
Sign on used car lot:
