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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another:

- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

- Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says:

- You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says:

- Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and…

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
3. Both mark their territory
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches
7. Neither does any dishes
8. Both fart shamelessly
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says:

- Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?

The third fellow says:

- I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.

The first two guys were amazed.

- What happened then?

- She said:

- get out from under the bed and fight like a man.

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.
B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!
C is for Call ya later. She won't. She never has before.
D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?
E is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place…

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him.

- Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?

- I got it for my wife, eh.

- Oh! Good trade.

- For our Twentieth, I'm taking my wife to Australia.

- That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth?

- I'm going to go back and get her.

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

- We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.

- Well, tell me! - the man said.

The policeman said:

- We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said:

- Give me the bad news first.

So the policeman said:

- I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay.

- Oh my god!, - said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion.

He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.
She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.
She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.
She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE

A burglar, needing money to pay his income taxes, decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading:

- Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob.

He did so. Instantly a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises were floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning:

- My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

A woman and a man get into a car accident, and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says:

- So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.

The man replied:

- I agree with you completely this must be a sign from God!

The woman continued:

- And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate…

Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said:

- You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?

- What dear? - She asked gently.

- I think you bring me bad luck.

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
→ Nudity

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
→ Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
→ They can't stand criticism.

10. "Lie Your Sweet Ass Off And Become A Millionaire"
11. "Choking Coaches For The Soul" by Latrell Sprewell
12. "Combing! The Revolutionary New Way To Adjust Your Hair"
13. "How To Win Friends And Influence People In The Bus Station Men's Room"
14. "If You Want To Lose Weight, Just Stop Eating, You Fat Cow"
15. "George Michael's Do-It-Yourself Handbook"
16. "Five Simple Steps To Reducing All Human Problems To An Over-Generalized Formula"
17. "8 Weeks To A Sweatier You"
18. "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, At Least One Teletubby Is From The West Village"
19. "It's Hopeless" by Jack Kevorkian

Jack and Jill were getting married. Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says:

- I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on.

- I can't wear these, she said.

- Darn right, he said. I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that.

- I think I'll try that on Jill - Jack said.

He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

- Put these on, he said.

- I can't wear these, Jill replied.

- Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that, he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said:

- I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

- What type of bra? - asked the clerk.

- Type? - inquires the man. There is more than one type?

- Look around - said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

- Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras - replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what the types were.

The saleslady replied:

- The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?

Still confused the man asked:

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
11. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
12. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
13. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
14. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."
15. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
16. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
17. You're counting down the days until menopause.
18. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
19. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said:

- All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks.

The mother went nuts and told her son:

- We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:

- HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

- Hello! We're down here...

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything. Just before he died, he said to his wife:

- Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife…

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type. - Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two... - Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late. - Mike Tyson
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead. - John Mendoza
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer. - Robert Quillen
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body. - Geoffrey Parfitt

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children. - Clarence Darrow
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex. - Bill Maher
To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years. - Ernest Hemingway
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable. - Quentin Crisp
There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age. - Benjamin Spock
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. - Nancy Mitford
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the…