Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
The female always make the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The female may change her mind at any time.
The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked:
- Is this it?
God said:
- No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.
She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said:
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'.
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language.
Girls = time * money
time = money, therefore:
Girls = money * money (*)
But we know that money is a root of all evil, thus:
money = sqrt(evil)
Taking into account (*), we have:
Girls = sqrt(evil)*sqrt(evil)
And finally:
Girls = |evil|
Thus, Girls are the absolute evil!
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied:
- About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. "And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".
Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost. Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied:
- Oh, about $15 or so I think.
"Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like:
- You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.
They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are…
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution:
- You don't want to try these techniques at home.
- Why not? - asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
- Did it save time? - the person in the audience asked.
- Actually, yes - replied the expert.
- It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.
Adam was strolling through the Garden of Eden, and he asked God:
- God can you put someone else on this planet with me? It's kind of lonely here?
So God said:
- I will put on earth a woman.
- What is this 'woman'? - asked Adam.
- A woman is somebody who will provide companionship and take care of all your needs - explained God.
- Oh holy master, what is the price for this woman? - asked Adam.
- The price for her is your left arm and your right eye - said God.
Then Adam replied:
- Ehh... what can I get for a rib?
This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries..
But, now we know.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race ... you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy.
If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough ... you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you ... it's equal opportunity.
How to Shower Like a Woman
A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says:
- I have something to tell you about your child..
The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says:
- What's wrong with it?
The doctor says:
- There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite.
The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?" The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female." The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis AND a brain?"
- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
- Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
- Man: Is this seat empty?
- Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
- Man: Your place or mine?
- Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
- Man: So, what do you do for a living?
- Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.
- Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
- Woman: Do not enter.
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
On a Trans-Atlantic Flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it! Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can…
These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...
"IT'S A GUY THING"
→ "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
→ "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
→ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
→ "I have no idea how it works."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
A man goes to his doctor and says:
- I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?
The doctor replies:
- Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you.
The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says:
- What's for dinner, honey?
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. No answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says:
- Honey, what's for supper?
She replies:
