How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
→ She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
→ "Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"
Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
→ Her blinker was on.
What do you call a blond skeleton in a clothes closet?
→ The 1960 hide-and-go-seek champion.
How did the blonde hurt herself while raking the leaves?
→ She fell out of the tree
A short guide to comparative religions:
Taoism : Shit Happens.
Buddhism : If shit happens it's not really shit.
Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah
Protestantism : Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism : This shit happened before.
Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad.
Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.
An Israeli doctor said:
- Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.
A German doctor said:
- That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.
A Russian doctor said:
- In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.
The American doctor, not to be outdone, said:
- Hah! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.
All the things my mother taught me:
- My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
- My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
- My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
- My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
- My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
- My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry out."
- My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat…
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.
He says:
- How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way.
The doc said:
- I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first…
The new Men's Thesaurus - on sale now at your local book stores!
"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
→ A licker cabinet.
What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
→ A Klondyke.
What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
→ Militia Etheridge.
Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
→ Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales?
→ So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads.
There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.
Well the first guy says:
- I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound.
Well the second guy says:
- Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound.
Well the third guy says:
- Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you.
Well the fourth guys clearly states:
Everyone thought God created man before woman. That is not true. In fact he created woman first, but with three boobs.
- God: So now that you are here how do you feel about yourself?
- Eve: Well to be honest I feel alright, however I don't think I need this center boob.
- God: We can correct that. There now how do you feel?
- Eve: I feel great!
(Looking at her hand...)
- Woman: Excuse me God?
- God: Yes
- Woman: Now what do I do with this usless boob?
POOF Man was created.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your mother.
How do you embarrass an archeologist?
→ Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
→ Wiped his ass.
What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
→ Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
→ A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper.
And a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker.
And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper.
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
→ A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies:
- He's a midget!
A blonde says to a brunette:
- Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.
The brunette says:
- Well maybe you should take the spoon out of the cup.
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said:
- You have acute appendicitis.
The blond yelled at the doctor:
- I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!!
A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop.
The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.
- Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy? - she asked the salesclerk.
- It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam - the shop assistant replied....
- Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.
48 Phrases you wish you could say at work!
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
- Well, how was the honeymoon? - asked the mother.
- Oh mamma! - she exclaimed.
- The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying.
- But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!
- Now Sarah . . . - her mother answered.
- Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?
Rules For Work: (Should go over well with your boss.)
Print it out and hang it over your work station...
I dare ya!
- You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
- The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car—in the "ten items or less" lane.
- You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
- You've found yourself discussing rain gutters.
- You remember your kid's names, just not always the right one.
- You have nightmares about forgetting to move the garbage cans to the street for the garbage collector.
- Your high school yearbook is now home to three different species of mold.
- You buy "age-defying" makeup and "antiwrinkle" creams and believe they work.
- You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts…
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says:
- My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.
The second boy says:
- That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.
The third boy says:
- I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
- My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf - says Little Red Riding Hood.
The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!
Further down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again-this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.
- My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf - says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away!
About two miles down the track, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign.
- My, what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf - taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that, the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams:
You have just received the "POLISH VIRUS!"
As we don't have any programming experience, this Virus works on the honor system.
Please delete all the files on your hard drive manually and forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation.
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
- Dear - she chirped - I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
- These hills are getting steeper as the years go by - one complained.
- These fairways seem to be getting longer too - said one of the others.
- The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too - said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said:
- Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!
what did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
→ Hold on to your nuts, this ain't no ordinary blow-job...
Did you hear about the queer burglar?
→ He couldn't blow the safe do he went down on the elevator...
Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
→ Because you get a womb with a view...
Why are eggs so frusterated?
→ Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, and you've gotta boil them to get them hard...
Where do you get virgin wool?
→ From ugly sheep...
Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:
