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- He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

- She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

- He said... Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

- She said... Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

- He said... "This coffee isn't fit for a pig!"

- She said... "No problem, I'll get you some that is."

- She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

- He said... It's not my fault... I ran out of money.

- He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

- She said... Well, you succeeded.

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He says:

- What are you doing?

She answers:

- I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies:

- I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says:

- You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

- I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!

His buddy looks at him and says:

- Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as…

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies:

- I'll have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass.

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but say's nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more.

A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.

The barman gets the drinks and says:

- it's probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think it's very fair for him to…

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked:

- What's so funny Bobby?

- Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.

- Get out of my classroom - she yells.

- I don't want to see you for three days!

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.

Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks:

- What's so funny Billy?

- Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters.

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company.

After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.

- Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?

- It's OK - he answers.

- I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life.

- Well, then - she replies.

- I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?

There where two snakes talking.

The 1st one said:

- Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?

Then the second Snake says:

- Why do you ask?

The 1st one replies:

- I just bit my lip!

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.

- What the heck did you do that for!?! - the man screams.

- Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?

The man says:

- No I don't, you IDIOT...

- But my wife out in the car still does!

My wife came home yesterday and said:

- Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.

I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said:

- You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator.

- No, there's definitely water in the carburetor - she insisted.

- OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?

- In the lake!

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

- Doctor: What was your dream about?

- Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

- Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?

- Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

- Doctor: Then what happened?

- Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

- Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?

- Blonde: Yes it did.

- Doctor: And what did these letter spell?

So this guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says:

- Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place.

Our Hero goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found.

Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says:

- Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything!

Taoism: Shit happens.
Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.
Islam: If shit happens, it's the will of Allah
Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?!
Hinduism: This shit happened before.
Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.
Har Krisna: Shit happens, Rama Rama!
T.V. Evangelism: Send more shit!!
Atheism: No shit.

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church:

- When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral - Joe began.

- You mean the parking lot - interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

- I walked up the trail to the gate - Joe continued.

- The sidewalk to the door - Charlie corrected him.

- Inside the door, I was met by this dude - Joe went on.

- That would be the usher - Charlie explained.

- Well, the usher led me down the chute - Joe said.

- You mean the aisle - Charlie said.

- Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there - Joe continued.

- Girl to Doctor: Doctor, Help! My brother thinks he's a chicken!

- Doctor: How long has this been going on?

- Girl: About a year.

- Doctor: Wow! Why didn't you tell me sooner?

- Girl: Because we needed the eggs!

After Christmas break, the teacher asked her small pupils how they spent their holidays.

One small boy's reply went like this:

We always spent Christmas with Grandpa and Grandma. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarted and they moved to Arizona.

They go to a big building they call a wrecked hall. But if it was wrecked, it is fixed now. They play games there and do exercises, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool and they go to it and just stand in the water with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody cooks there. They all go to fastfood restaurants.

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks:

- and how much money do you make a week?

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies:

- I make $200.00 a week. Why?

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams:

- here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks:

- does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.

- Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent.

- ONE CENT - that's awesome! - exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks:

- Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?

- Certainly, sir - replies the bartender.

- but all that comes to real money.

- How much money? - inquires the guy.

- 4 cents - replies the bartender.

- FOUR cents! - exclaims the guy...

Two men are driving through Philadelphia when they get pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks:

- What the hell was that for?

The cop answers:

- You're in Philadelphia son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.

The driver says:

- I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here.

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on…

- Fresh in from the JokesGalore.com News Wire...

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of stopping. If anything, it's getting worse.

Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded we have more breaking news...

We are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song!

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal...stay tuned...

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Said fuck him! - he's only an egg!

Little boy blew Hey! He needed the money!

Two good ol' boys, Bubba and Junior get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says:

- Hey, Junior - there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have us a drank.

- But we's privates - protests Junior.

- NO, we's sergeants now - says Bubba, pulling him inside.

- Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank.

- But, we's privates - says Junior.

- You blind, boy! - says Bubba, pointing at his stripes.

- We's Sergeants now!

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

Jay Leno Jokes from the Tonight Show...

Pharmaceutical companies that make birth control pills are telling teenage girls that taking the pill can help clear up their skin. Do you think that's true? I think there is a better chance of clearing up the boyfriend's skin ...

Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats. See, so it is not just for male strippers anymore ...

LeAnn Rimes apologized to fans for the quality of her new album. Isn't that unbelievable? If LeAnn Rimes has to apologize for her album, what the heck is Kathie Lee going to do, commit suicide?

In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Hugh Hefner admitted having 7 girlfriends, one…

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church.

As she ran she kept praying:

- Dear God, please don't let me be late to church.

- Please don't let me be late to church....

As she was running she tripped and fell.

When she got back up she began praying again...

- Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either!

One day a boy and hid father were walking through the woods when the son spotted some rabbit droppings.

The boy asked hid Dad:

- What are these Pop?

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual…

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him:

- I am placed in the door and told when to jump.

- My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.

- But how do you know when you are going to land? - he was asked.

- I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground - he answered.

- But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? - he was again asked.

He quickly answered:

- Oh, that's the easy part. It's when the dog's leash goes slack.