Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count, I will simply throw them out.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!
Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.
The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said:
- In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak
The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied:
- In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands ...!
A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. He told the homeowner:
- Now listen carefully, I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on
- Ok, got it - the homeowner replied. But whats that shotgun for?
- If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla - the man said - shoot the Chihuahua.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
→ It doesn't matter, he won't come!
Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed.
The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit.
The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.
When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.
The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".
An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.
The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.
She said:
- Well.. each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box
- And what about the thousand pound? - asked the old man.
- Well... - Replies the woman - Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them
- Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
- Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
- Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
- Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
- Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
- Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.
- Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!
- Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor's.
The first guy says:
- Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!
- What's the problem? - asks the doctor.
- I have no dick!
So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.
The next guy comes in and says:
- Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!
- What's wrong? - the doctor asks.
- I have no dick!
How do you make a blonde go crazy?
→ Place them in a round room, and tell them to stand in the corner!
At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator): "Best Place in Town to take a Leak"
Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband tried to fix."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout"
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"
At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"
- I will not carve gods.
- I will not spank others.
- I will not aim for the head.
- I will not barf unless I'm sick.
- I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
- I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
- I will not conduct my own fire drills.
- Funny noises are not funny.
- I will not snap bras.
- I will not fake seizures.
Joe says to Bill:
- Want to see a picture of my Aunt?
Bill said:
- Sure.
So Joe takes out a picture.
Bill says:
- What are you talking about? Thats not your aunt! Thats a picture of a fish!
Joe says:
- Well sure it is... It's my aunt Chovy!
A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender. The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order:
- What'll it be? - the bartender says.
The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want." The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes." The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you…
A frog walks into a bank and says:
- I wanna loan.
- Well Mr. frog, go over there to Mrs. Black's desk, she is the loan manager, I'm sure she will be happy to talk to you - The head desk says.
The frog hops over to Mrs. Patty Black's desk and says, "I wanna loan." Mrs. Black says, "Well Mr. Frog, we will have to get some paperwork for you to sign, so if you will wait right here..." At this point the frog pulls out of his knapsack a golden disk and hands it over to her. She asks, confused, "What is this?" The frog croaks back, "I wanna loan."
She rubs her head, and walks back to her boss and says:
- I don't get it, a frog hops in here wanting a loan, and gives me this golden disk. Do you know…
A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden. Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically. Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out "63!" and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. "74!", again a chorus of guffaws ring out. The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks "What are those elderly men doing." The old warden smirks, and says, "Oh, those are the life timers. They've been in here so long…
A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road. The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams on his brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the back of the catholic preacher. They step out of their cars, and begin talking.
- Oh, I am so sorry, that was my fault - says the Baptist preacher.
While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the preachers soon start talking about their professions to pass the time.
- You know, I never understood why catholic preachers don't drink wine to represent Christ's blood.
The catholic preacher responds:
- Well, we believe that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead.
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said:
- I wish you could talk.
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.
Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.
- Well, did you see this?
- Yes - motioned the monkey.
- What happened?
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.
- They were drinking? - asked the officer.
The monkey shakes his head:
What is the difference between a paycheque and a penis?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!
One day A Blonde girl was running out to check her mail and a neighbor was watching. 5 minutes later she checked it again this happened all through the day till the neighbor went outside and stopped her and asked her why she kept looking in her mail box and her reply was:
- My computer keeps telling me I have mail!
One day a guy walks into a bar. The bartender says "if you can make that horse over there laugh you can have free drinks for the rest of the night". So he says "ok" and walks over to the horse and whispers something in his ear and he starts laughing and the bartender gives him free drinks for the rest of the night.
The next night the same guy comes back in and the bartender says "if you can make that horse over there cry i will give you free drinks for the rest of the night." So he walks over there and does something and the horse starts crying, and the bartender gives him free drinks. Then the bartender asks what the man did to make the horse laugh and what he did to make him cry.
This fella goes to the doctor and says:
- Doctor, I've got a rash round my cock, have you got anything for it?
The doctor said:
- put this on and come back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back the next week and the cream hadn't worked so he tells the doctor and the doctor gives him more cream and tells him to come back next week if it doesn't work.
The bloke comes back and the cream still hasn't worked so the doctor says:
- Drop your pants.
The man drops his pants and the doctor has a look and tells him to put another cream on. The man then says:
- Doctor it's worked!! What was that?
The doctor replies:
One night a lady pregnant with triplets was walking by and a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her in the stomach three times. Her docter told her that he couldn't perform surgery because it would be too risky. All was well for 16 years when one of the girls came running into the room crying.
- Whats wrong? - asked the mother.
"I was taking a pee and a bullet came out". "It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later the other girl came running into the room crying, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out?"
"Yes" replied the girl. "It's ok" said the mom and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy came running in…
A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed, "Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit." After talking to the patient at some length, the psychiatrist said, "You do appear to have a problem. I'd like to see you again next Wednesday."
After a second session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured.
For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn't pay and refused to acknowledge the debt.
Finally, the psychiatrist took the man to court and had him repossessed.
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says:
- You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.
- One day - he begins - I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."
So I picked up the frog and it said:
- Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes.
So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned…
There were three female explorers who decided that they would go explore the African jungle together. One blonde, one brunnette and one redhead. They were near the middle of the jungle when a rare african tribe surrounded them. The tribe said that the gods have sent them evil things and the explorers shall be destroyed. The tribe was going to shoot them with a bow and arrow in the head one at a time.
First they were going to shoot at the brunnette. She stepped up and they called 1-2-3 but before they could shoot she yelled TORNADO and everyone ducked and lay down on the ground and the brunnette ran way while they ducked. The tribe got mad and swore but did not go after her.
