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The Election Is Over, The Results Are Known.

The Will Of The People Has Been Clearly Shown.

So Lets All Get Together And Let Bitterness Pass, I'll Hug Your Elephant, And You Can Kiss My ASS!!!!!

Why do women talk more than men, and why are men smarter than women?
→ Because women have four lips and men have two heads!

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she said 'Kevin'.

'Right', he said, 'what about that blond one over there?'

'Kevin', she said.

'Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?'

'Kevin', she said.

'Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?'

'Kevin', she said.

'Are all your boys called Kevin?' he asked, 'isn't that terribly complicated?'

'Not at all', she said, 'it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed.'

'I see. But what if you want only one of them?'

The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form:

Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
()Billy-Bob ()Billy-Joe ()Billy-Ray ()Billy-Sue ()Billy-Mae ()Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
()Booger ()Bubba ()Junior ()Sissy (_)Other____________
Age:____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex:____ M ____ F ____ Not sure
Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)

A guy is walking along the beach and he stumbles on a Genie Bottle.

He rubs it and out pop two Genies. He makes three wishes. When he gets home, he hears a knock on the door and outside there are 20 beautiful naked women. Walking back inside he sees a briefcase sitting on his coffee table. Opening it he see $20 million dollars.

- Wow, my first two wishes have come true! - he yells.

He gets ready to do his thing with the women when he hears another knock on the door. When he opens the door there are two Ku Klux Klan guys.

First, they beat him up, then they tar and feather him. Next, they take him out back and lynch him. When the KKK guys are sure he is dead, they take their hoods off to reveal…

Your mom is so stupid she tried to wake up a sleeping bag.

Howard Dean's wife held a press conference today where she announced that until the election is over she will shave off all her pubic hair and sit on stage with husband Howard, and wearing no panties.

Astounded reporters asked what the message was, to which she replied:

- Read my lips. No more Bush

What's the difference between engagement and hemaroihds?
→ When the hemaroihds are over you at least get the ring back !!!!

Why are Bill Clinton, Monica Lewinksy, and O.J. Simpson such bad golfers?
→ Monica is a hooker, O.J. is a slicer and Bill doesn't know what hole to put it in.

There was a man that was stranded, standing on nothing but a rock in the middle of the sea, waiting for someone to come. Then along comes a boat.

The man on the boat asks:

- do you want any help?

Man on the rock replies:

- no- the Lord will save me - so then the man on the boat went away. A helicopter then came and asked him:

- do you want any help?

The man replied:

- no - the Lord will save me! Then along comes another man on a boat and asks:

- do you want any help?

and he said:

How do you circumsize a redneck?
→ You kick his sister in the chin!

Why do men always want their brides to wear white?
→ Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other man's heart.

The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say:

- Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go?

And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying:

- Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?

Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says:

- I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you?

- Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman:

- Give me six double vodkas.

The barman says:

- Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.

- Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay.

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back:

- I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says:

- Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?.

Where does your nose go, when it gets hungry?
→ Booger King!!!

How does Mrs. Abdul Jabbar like her coffee?
→ With Kareem!!!

What does it say, on great Hawaiian singer, Don's mail box?
→ The Ho House!!!

Roses are red, violets are blue, I once thought I was ugly, until I saw you!

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one!

Baptists: only trouble is, they don't hold them under long enough.

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.

Men's brains are like the prison system - not enough cells.

Stupidity does not qualify as a handicap, park elsewhere!

You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.

Dear Friend, It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pillsbury Spokesman. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Long time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show…

As you are probably aware, if voting results in Florida stand as they are now, George W. Bush will be our next president. This will have a catastrophic results in our not so vital (dispensable entertainment industry). Barbara Streisand, Martin Sheen, Susan Sarandon, Whoopie Goldberg, Alec Baldwin - among many others have sworn to leave the country if George Bush is elected president. And this is where you can help. We need volunteers to help pack and load moving vans. We also need airfare for these irreplaceable national treasures so they can relocate before they change their minds. For the cost of a small SUV, you can sponsor one of these celebrities and their unfortunate relocation. You…

There was once was a blonde woman who had just bought a house.

She called it Harrybutt.

She had a child and named in Crack.

She lost Crack and couldn't find him.

So she called the police and said:

- I looked all over my Harrybutt and couldn't find my crack!

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

1. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2. How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What goes blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette, blonde, brunette?
→ A blonde doing cartwheels!

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer's office one Monday morning.

- I want you to begin divorce proceedings - she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said:

- Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her throat and said:

- We wanted to wait until all the children were dead.

A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting:

- 28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!

Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks:

- What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??

All the blondes say:

- We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!