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A guy goes to his high school class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty-five years he's very curious as to who might show up.

When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweetheart. They sit down and talk about the past.

- How have you been? - he asks.

- I've been fine, just fine - she replies. Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though.

- Bad news first, please.

- Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy.

- Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that.

- But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss…

A driver was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously. "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use those in my act." The officer wanting to be sure so he asked "Please step out of the car and show me." So he got out with the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take, and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking! Look at the tests they're giving now!"

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

- You'll get your chance in court - said the Desk Sergeant.

- No, no, no! - said the man.

- I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!

A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.

- Tell me - said the doctor - if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?

The inmate said:

- It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the…

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy. "What would you say if I told you that I've been sleeping with your best friend?" she asked provocatively. "Well," he mused, "I'd have to say that you're a lesbian!"

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

- What is the big brass gong and hammer for? - one of his friends asked.

- That is the talking clock - the man replied.

- How's it work? - the friend asked.

- Watch - the man said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall...:

- KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It's two o'clock in the morning!

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. Of course the famer is a blonde. :) He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him:

- Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?

The farmer replies:

- I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize.

- How? - asks the man, puzzled.

- Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field!

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling:

- Well, how was it?

The woman says:

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

- What's wrong with you? - she asked him.

- Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16? - he replied.

- And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison.

Baffled, she said:

- yes, I remember. So?

- Well...

- I would have gotten out today!

A golfer was addressing his ball, getting ready to shoot.

Just as he was about ready to hit, a voice came over the p.a. system:

- Will the gentleman on the lady's tee please move back to the men's tee.

He looked up, looked back down and then resumed addressing the ball again.

The Voice again:

- Will the Man on the Red tees PLEASE MOVE BACK to the White Tees?!

He looked back at the starters shack and yelled:

- Will the IDIOT on the p.a. shut up so that the man on the lady's tee can hit his second shot!

One of the nation's largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, "Clinton Soup", that will honor one of the nation's most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied:

- I don't know, I never had one.

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would…

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works...:

- We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside.

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:

- All the men on this floor are short and plain.

The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads:

- All the men here are short and handsome.

Two robins were sitting in a tree. - I'm really hungry - said the first one.

- Me, too - said the second.

- Let's fly down and find some lunch.

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.

- I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree - said the first one.

- Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun - said the second.

- O.K. - said the first.

They plopped down, basking in the sun.

No sooner had they fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought... are you ready for this...

- I just love baskin' robins!

Three drunks were sitting at a bar. The first one said...:

- I went in my daughter's room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes.

He paused.

- I didn't even know she smoked!

The second drunk said...:

- I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn't even know she drank!

The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak..

- I can beat that! I went into my daughter's room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!

He paused...

- I didn't even know she had a penis!!!

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window...

- Young lady - he began - I would like three pickets to titsburg. Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached...

- Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh - he began - and I would like the change in nipples and dimes. He turns red and runs away.

Then came the third...

Two potatoes are standing on the street corner.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
→ It's the one with the little sticker that says IDAHO.

How do you get holy water?
→ Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam!"

What do prisoners use to call each other?
→ Cell phones

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
→ A stick

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
→ Nacho cheese

Two young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed and discussing any abnormalities with each other that they may have seen in passers-by. They would then attempt to make the correct diagnosis.

They spotted this old fellow leaving a bar sort of "duck waddling" down the street at a slow pace. The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each others diagnosis of the his problem. One says:

- my friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia. Which of us is correct?

The old man replies:

- Well fellas, I thought it was a fart, but it looks like we were all wrong!

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals:

- Crisco? Crisco? CRIS--CO!!!!

Finally a store clerk approached.

- Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.

- Oh - replied the old guy - I'm not looking for Crisco, I'm calling my wife.

- Your wife is named Crisco?

- Nah - he answered - I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.

- Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?

- Lard Ass!

When is the only polite time to slap a midget?
→ When he says, "Gee, your hair smells terrific."

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says:

- Would you like to dance?

The girl says:

- I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you!

The guy says:

- I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!

Why did God give man a penis?
→ So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up!

What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
→ Its Braille for "suck here."

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
→ Lipstick.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
→ They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
→ They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.

Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant.

It read:

- We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!

- Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God...

I could be eating a slow learner! - Lynda Montgomery

- If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson

- Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez

And from George Carlin...

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?