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A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.

- Oh God! - she screams.

- Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!

- Let's go - says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!

On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.

- What seems to be the problem? - he asks.

- I've got a frigging bee up my vagina - screams the woman.

- Get it out!

- I see - says the doctor.

- Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.

A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything. A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, "We're ruined, all the money's gone and there's no flour for bread!" His daughter says, "No, papa, I hid the money in my you-know-what." The farmer said, "You're a good girl, but if your mamma was here - she could have saved the sack of flour as well!"

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible. The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked:

- You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?

- Of course I do. It is the Bible. - the lady replies!

- Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale? - he asked.

- Oh, Jonah ... Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible. - she replied.

- Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale? - he asked.

- Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him. - said the lady.

- What if he isn't in heaven? - the man asked sarcastically.

- Then YOU can ask him. - replied the lady!

A woman goes into a bar real depressed and uses her last 10 dollars to buy a drink. All of a sudden she gets an idea that she knows will solve her problems.

She takes her change and goes to the man at the end of the bar and says:

- Mister, I'm broke and my landlord said if I dont give him the rent money first thing in the morning, I'm out of a place to live. I'll bet you my last five dollars that i can come up with a rhyme that you can't come up with a reply to.

The man wanting to help her says ok go ahead.

So she tells him:

- six times six is thirty-six and three is thirty-nine. I can tell the length of yours but you can't tell the depth of mine.

The man scratches his head and says:

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

- Oh, no laundry - the boy said - I'm going to wash my dog!

- But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

A black couple we're invited to a Halloween party and were trying to decide what to dress up as.

The wife says:

- how about Hanzel and Gretel?

Nah...they were white, her husband replied.

Ok, how about Raggedy Ann and Andy?

No way! They're white too and have huge ugly freckles!

So the wife tells her husband to think of something since he always has a smart remark for her choices.

So he thinks a bit and then pops up:

- I got it!

We'll go as Heshey Bars!

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad, and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking:

- What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?

Tom says:

- I would switch one train to another track.

- What if the lever broke? - asks the inspector.

- I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever - answers Tom.

- What if that had been struck by lightning? - challenges the inspector.

- Then - Tom continues - I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.

- What if the phone was busy?

Heart Attacks...
God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends

How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

I'm an imbecile and I vote

Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

Grow your own dope, plant a man

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

A little black boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He looks at his mom and says:

- Mom, look, I'm a white boy!

His mom slaps him in the kisser and says:

- Go show your father!

He goes to his dad in the living room and says:

- Look dad, I'm a white boy!

His dad slaps him hard in the face and says:

- Go show your Grandmother!

The boy goes in his grandmother's room and says:

- Look granny, I'm a white boy!

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says:

- Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says:

- I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you.

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says:

- I want the house.

Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says:

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down…

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face and tears down her face.

I said:

- What's wrong honey?

Sad and broken up she looked at me and said:

- Mommy, where's my booger?

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:

- Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said:

- Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

A passenger in Coach piped up:

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender:

- give us two beers over here!

The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says:

- Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!

The man say's to the bartender:

- oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.

The bartender replied back:

- well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!

The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.

The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he…

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says:

- Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?

The drunk looks back and says:

- Yes, Preacher, I sure am.

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up:

- Have you found Jesus? - the preacher asked.

- Nooo, I didn't! - said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says:

- Now, brother, have you found Jesus?

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper:

- This man - he announced - called in sick yesterday!

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator:

- Wow - he said - just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!

Real Mothers . . .

Real Mothers don't eat quiche; they don't have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried playdough doesn't come out of shag carpets.

Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask "why me?" and get their answer when a little voice says:

- because I love you best.

Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade . . . It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts…

Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a Italian bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \e-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following four elements: Religion, Royalty, Sex, and Mystery.

The prize-winning essay read:

- My God - said the Queen. I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of them.

The first guy said:

- My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible!

The second guy says:

- That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!

- She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?

- Easy...

Every night she places a burnt offering before me!

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said:

- I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave.

The cadet replied:

- Not me, Sarge...no sir!

I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however…

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

Free Yorkshire Terrior.
8 years-old. Hateful little dog.

Free Puppies:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel
1/2 Sneaky Neighbor's Dog

Free Puppies:
Part German Shepherd
Part Stupid Dog

German Shepherd - 85lbs.

Father Murphy was ministering to a man on his deathbed.

- Renounce Satan! - yelled Father Sullivan.

- No! - said the dying man.

- I say, renounce the devil and his works!

- No way! - the man repeats.

- And why, in the name of all that is holy, not? - asks Father Murphy.

- Because - said the dying man...

- I want to wait until I see where I'm heading before I start pissing anyone off!