Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children?
→ When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel.
Why don't they let government workers look out the window in the morning?
→ So they will have something to do in the afternoon.
A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat.
The first civilian on the shuttle was an English teacher. Now she's history.
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture.
He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
- Yeah daddy, yeah daddy - said the little boy. After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.
- Say, Pop - said the boy.
- Yes - replied his father.
- The bull just screwed the brown cow!
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside.
- Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull "surprised" the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell…
What were Christa McAuliffe's last words to her husband?
→ "You feed the kids - I'll feed the fish."
What does NASA stand for?
→ Need Another Seven Astronauts
→ Need Another Shuttle Also
Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger?
→ They didn't know it was going to blow up.
Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?
→ Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't get 7-UP.
On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to be a naval officer?
The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg." "Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off!" The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right arm?" "I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard!" Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting story about the patch on your eye?" "One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!" The reporter was…
Here's a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:
Dear GOD:
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - Jane
Dear GOD:
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry
Dear GOD:
If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - Mickey
Dear GOD:
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Nan
Dear GOD:
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an…
Things You'd Love to Say at Work!
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said:
- I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?
The blonde said:
- I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive.
The milkman replied:
- Oh, OK. Pasteurized?
The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said...
- No. Just up to my boobs.
How do you define confusion??
→ A blind lesbian in a fish market!
Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks:
- If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?
The first lady thinks for a minute and says:
- Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime.
The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says:
- 7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up.
The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says:
- Jack Daniels.
The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say:
- Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor.
THOR, the God of Love wakes up the morning after the orgy.
As he sits up, stretches and looks around, he sees a beautiful, shapely, young blonde standing in the doorway.
He walks over and says:
- Good morning, I'm THOR!
She looks back at him with blue eyes and a comely smiles and says:
- YOUR THOR...
I'M SO THOR I CAN'T PITH!
What goes TICK-TICK, WOOF-WOOF?
→ A watchdog!
Why do male deer need braces?
→ Because they have "buck teeth!"
One day the Lone Ranger and his companion Tonto were walking through the desert when Tonto suddenly stopped, bent down to the ground and said:
- Buffalo Come!
And the Lone Ranger said:
- How do you know Tonto?
Tonto replied:
- Ear stuck to ground...
Men are like....
Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.
Men are like....
Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ....
Vacations. They never seem long enough.
Men are like....
Bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.
Men are like ....
Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.
A new list of the "World's Shortest Books":
- STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED - by Elizabeth Taylor
- BEAUTY SECRETS - by Janet Reno
- HOME BUILT AIRPLANES - by John Denver
- DOWN HILL SKIING - by Sonny Bono
- HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL - by Dan Marino
- FLYING AT NIGHT - by JFK, Jr.
- THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL - by Hillary Clinton
- MY LIFE'S MEMORIES - by Ronald Reagan
- THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD - by Bill Gates
Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said:
- Nice pigs, Sir!
The President replied:
- These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.
The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied:
- Nice trade, Sir!
Isn't this the truth!...
1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair
1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.
1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.
1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
- Why are you eating grass? - he asked one man.
- We don't have any money for food. - the poor man replied.
- Oh, come along with me then.
- But sir, I have a wife with two children!
- Bring them along! And you, come with us too! - he said to the other man.
- But sir, I have a wife with six children! - the second man answered.
- Bring them as well!
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says:
Typical "macho man" marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:
- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you!
- I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules...any comments?
His new bride matter of factly says:
- No, that's fine with me.
- Just understand one thing... there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're HOME or not!
Here are some "actual" bumper stickers reportedly seen on cars around the DC area:
HONK! If you had sex with the President
Clinton: We forgive you...
Now Resign!
Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency
Adultery IS NOT a family value
Does character matter YET?
One More Whore And We Get Gore
Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat
My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student
A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.
He muttered out loud:
- I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses.
The clerk behind the counter said:
- Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods.
- Really?
- Yes sir...they're called bullets!
The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:
- has to work hard
- has to work at great depths
- has to work upside down
- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
- has to work in a high humidity environment
- has to work at high temperatures
- does not get weekends and holidays off
- does not get time off after extra hours of work
- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness
Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouts across the garage:
- Hey DeBakey! Is that you? Come on over here a minute!
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.
Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively:
- So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get…
