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Stressed out...try some of these relaxing tidbits :)

1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out. (This one is great to teach neices and nephews!)
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill. (Even better to call after doing it and say you didn't authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on. (This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.)
4. When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans. (Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?)
5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are. (And if she's cute, always ask if…

Well, if there's any truth to this study at all, then I should live to be 180 minimum! :)

From the New England Journal of Medicine:

Great news for girl watchers: Ogling over women's breasts is good for a man's health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine:

- Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out - declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients - half of whom were instructed to look at…

1. You've got a hole in your head.
2. Your master strangles you all the time.
3. Your head is smaller than the rest of you.
4. You shrink in cold water.
5. You never get a haircut.
6. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
7. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
8. Your best friend is a pussy.
9. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
10. Everytime you get excited, you throw up.

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child:

- Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.

Then he gave her a stern look and asked:

- Have you been fooling around on me?!

The wife just smiled sweetly and said:

- Not this time.

Yo mama so stupid she got a peep hole in a glass door.
Yo mama so stupid she thought an aspiration was butt sweat.
Yo mama so stupid she looks at a can of juice for days 'cause it says concentrate.
Yo mama so stupid she thinks Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.
Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.
Yo mama so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!.
Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo mama so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo mama so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!

A doctor tells his patient:

- I've got some good news and I've got some bad news for you.

So, the patient asks:

- What's the good news, Doc?

And the doctor says:

- They're going to name a disease after you!

Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!

WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out :)

1. Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think!"
2. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets. (This one is especially useful if you're having a yard sale!)
3. Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - "are you sure?" (Not recommended at Biker Bars)
4. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying "blah, blah, blah, blah".

TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

Owed Two A Spell Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami.

They had been meeting in that park every sunny day, for over 12 years, chatting and enjoying each others friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says:

- Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed. After all these years, what is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't.

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says:

- How soon do you have to know?

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.

The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The Brunette asks:

- What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!

A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job.

During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says:

- Yes, I fought over in Vietnam.

Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities.

The guy responds:

- Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off.

- Great!, - responds the interviewer... we give disabled Vet preference.

- You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.

- But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.? - asks the guy.

- Yes, but you don't have to come in until 10...

Have you heard about the new low-fat communion bread?

It's called "I Can't Believe It's Not Jesus"!

A government employee found an old brass lamp in a filing cabinet. When he dusted it off, a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.

- I'd love an ice-cold beer right now - he told the genie.

Poof! A beer appeared.

Next the man said:

- I wish to be on an island, surrounded by beautiful and willing women.

Poof! He was on an island with gorgeous women fawning all over him.

Oh, man this is the life, the guy thought.

- I wish I never had to work again.

And poof!...

He was back at his desk in the government office!

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

- People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears - one says - but we have no one to go to with our own problems.

- Since we're all professionals - another suggests - why don't we hear each other out right now?

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses:

- I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.

The second admits:

- I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.

The third psychiatrist says:

- I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret.

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted:

- Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

- Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants.

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

- When I tee off - the singer explains - I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim.

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks:

- How about if we play for $100,000?

Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap.

But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents and says:

- OK, it's your money... when do you want to play?

Stevie replies:

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God:

- Lord, I have a problem!

- What's the problem, Eve?

- Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy.

- Why is that, Eve? - came the reply from above.

- Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples.

- Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.

- What's a man, Lord?

- Man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time.

But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused…

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.

- And just how would I go about doing that? - he asked.

- It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate.

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage…

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:

- I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.

Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:

- I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say:

- I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl, - Matt Millen of the Raiders said, - To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too.

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:

- Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. (1996)

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:

What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us?
→ In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote.

How will history remember Bill Clinton?
→ The President after Bush.

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy?
→ One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab.

What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office?
→ "Don't hit your head on the desk."

Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's day?
→ All pants half off.

A blonde meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.

- Everything ok with your car now?

- Yes, thank goodness - the blonde replies.

- Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?

- Yeah, but he didn't. I was SO RELIEVED when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.

As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

- Wow, this is great - he thought.

It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

- Hey - he called - I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?

- Yes. Come and join us - they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

- Well, it wasn't that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.

- Your second husband was killed too?!!? That's horrible!

- Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.

- Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through…

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

BABY: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.

BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.