30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man...
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary K. and said:
- Oh Jack, give me a pint o'the brandy.
- Sister Mary Katherine, I could never do that! I have never sold alcohol to a nun in my life! - exclaimed Jack.
- Oh Jack, it's only for the Mother Superior - she responded.
Her voice dropped:
- It helps her constipation, you know.
So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine? And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was…
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Billie and Tillie were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired:
- What ever possessed you to study Russian?
The couple said proudly:
- We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!
The wife comes home from a night at bingo with a new fur coat. She says:
- Honey, look what I won at bingo.
Next week she comes home from bingo with a large diamond ring. She says:
- Honey look what I won at bingo.
Next week she come home from bingo driving a new porsche, she says:
- Honey, look what I won at bingo.
The next week as she is preparing to get ready for bingo, the husband asks:
- Honey shall I draw you a bath?
To which she replies:
- Why sure.
A girl goes on a blind date.
The blind date hadn't been all that great, and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, her date suddenly said:
- Hey! You wanna see my underwear?
Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.
She glanced down and said:
- Nice design - does it also come in men's sizes?
Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
- Not yet - replied little Johnny.
His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, now he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.
He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.
He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
- How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal? - he asks.
"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any…
Did you hear about the Indian who drank 200 cups of tea?
→ He drowned in his TeePee!
An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.
He left her a note saying:
- Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton.
He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:
- Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!
One of Microsoft Network's finest support techs was drafted into the Army and sent to boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, handed a rifle, and a couple rounds of ammo. He loaded the rifle and fired several shots at the target which was fifty yards away.
The report came from the target area that all of his attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then once more at the target. He placed his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off -- whereupon he yelled toward the target area...
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.
They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter:
- Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded:
- Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.
A few days later the mom told the daughter:
- Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced:
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says:
- Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.
The mexican man pleads with them:
- No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says:
- Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence.
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him:
- The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says:
Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing house.
They both decided it was time to get married.
So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.
- Where will you live? - asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute.
- Well - said Little Johnny:
- I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us.
- And how will you live?
- I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance.
That should be enough.
Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked:
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there's no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day with the following exercises a week before the exam, you will be totally prepared for the test -- and best of all -- you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE ONE: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible -- and then lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.
EXERCISE TWO: Go into your garage at 3 a.m. when the temperature of the cement floor is just…
Here's a sure-fire set of tests to check your parenting abilitites.
This is about as close as you can get to the real deal! :)
MESS TEST - Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST - Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST - Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
A woman went to a discount store to purchase several items. When she finally got to the checker, she learned one of her items had no price.
She thought she'd die of embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear:
- Price check on lane thirteen. Tampax. Supersize.
As if that wasn't bad enough, the person looking for the price misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "Thumbtacks."
In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom:
- Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind you pound in with a hammer?
A little girl asks her Mom:
- May I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom says:
- No honey, the dog is in heat.
- What's that mean? - asked the child.
- Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage.
The little girl goes to the garage and says:
- Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom but she said the dog was in heat and said I should ask you
Her Dad said:
- Bring Susie over here
A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
- I want to get screwed - said the man.
- OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot - answered the voice.
The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.
Minutes passed and nothing happened.
He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.
- Hey - exclaimed the sport:
- I want to get screwed!
- What? - said the voice:
- Again?
Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants:
New company will be called - Poupon Pants.
Knott's Berry Farms and National Organization of Women:
New company will be called - Knott NOW!!!
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
- Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes! - she exclaimed.
No - said the genie:
- You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.
- Lets see - says Monica:
- I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.
- And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want.
- I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.
- Yeah, that's it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.
A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor's office.
After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it's one of two things.
The Doc says:
- Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS.
- What do you mean! - The guy says.
- Can't you tell the difference?
Well, says the Doc, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what ya do...
Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, - don't have sex with her anymore!
John receives a phone call.
- Hello - he answers.
The voice on the other end says:
- This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.
- hmmm... Susan? You say we met 3 months ago? - John
- Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport. - Susan
- Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been? - John
- Well, I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself. - Susan
- Say, you really ARE a good sport! - John
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ None 'o yo' freakin' bitness!
How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Both of them.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.
He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?
In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims:
- Damn, some asshole has my pen!
Jesus walks upon a crowd with an adulteress crouching in a corner with a mob around her preparing to stone her to death.
Jesus stops them and says:
- Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!
Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fires off a stone at the adulteress and blasts her right in the head.
At which point Jesus looks over and says...
- Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!
