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An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself:

- Oh God, I'm doomed!

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out:

- No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.

So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again:

- Okay . . . . NOW you're doomed.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

- What's it about? - he asked.

- I don't know - she replied. I can't read.

One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote:

- How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote:

- I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!

- Filthy Stinking Rich... Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

- I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead

- Husband and Cat Lost... Reward for Cat

- Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-Law on a Milk Carton

- Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt

- Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes... Use Birth Control

- If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees

- If You Can Read This...

Kiss A Teecher

- Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

- Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs

- Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild

- Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner Cracker

- W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace

- 3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood

- John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi

- Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home

- Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine

It's 1880, the decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a story of one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most respected gunslinger in the west.

The place was Dodge City, Kansas in the Sawdust Saloon. The young man walked into the Sawdust Saloon and, to his surprise, saw Wyatt Earp sitting at a table playing poker. The young man walked up to Wyatt and said:

- Mr. Earp, I would like to be a gunslinger just like you. Could you give me some tips?

Wyatt put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said:

- Son, I don't usually give out tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental to my health, but step back and let me take a look at you.

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained:

- It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him:

- Now, just a minute. Listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding…

A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas.

He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him:

- Beggars can't be cruisers.

The famous general died and his ashes were to be taken to Arlington National Cemetery. All the air lines were booked and there were no other planes available. Someone came up with the idea of using a helicopter. It arrived at 5:00 A.M.

The newspapers reported the incident with the headlines:

- The Whirly Bird Gets The Urn

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had enough:

- You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.

- Why? Who's going to stop me? - Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said:

- See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!

There was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.

A few days later he calls his mother.

- Did you like the parrot? - he asked her.

- Oh yes - she replied.

- It was delicious.

- WHAT! - the man cried.

- You ate it? That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!

The mother paused for a moment and then said:

- So why didn't he say something?

The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind.

Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good. Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too!

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients.

The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's name.

One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying:

- That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls.

One day 3 men went to a shrine to ask the Father for forgivness.

The first man went to the Father and said:

- Father, Father I have sinned!

- What have you done?

- I have lied!

- Drink the Holy water and you will be saved.

And so the man drank the water and was "saved".

Then the second man went up to the Father and said:

- Father, Father I have sinned!

- What have you done?

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale.

Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, ...

- Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call 'Teds, or Hales!'

A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words: "hiss and hearse" (woo-hoo!...that was terrible! :)

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

- Momma, look what I found - the boy called out.

- What have you got there, dear? - his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered:

- I think it's Adam's suit!

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered:

- If he gets loose, will he hurt us?

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff:

- I wish you guys could get your act together.

Just yesterday one of you takes away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked:

- Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?

- Of course not, dear - replied the mother.

- Why would you think that?

- The tombstone back there said... 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'

A 17-year-old girl had just gotten her driver's license and offered to take her mom's car to the gas station. She pulled up to the full-service pumps, and the attendant asked:

- What grade, miss?

- Eleventh! - she replied.

(Did I mention she was also Blonde?)

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Smith looked out the window. He screamed:

- Good lord!

- one of the engines just caught fire!

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine caught fire on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.

- Guys have feelings too. But, like, who cares?

- I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

- I hate everybody, and you're next.

- Please don't make me kill you.

- I used to be schizophrenic, but we're okay now.

- I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

- Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.

- Remember my name -- you'll be screaming it later.

- You KNOW you want me.

Confucius Say...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

He who lives in glass house, dress in basement.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said:

- I forgot my teeth.

The man said:

- No problem.

With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.

- Try these - he said.

The speaker tried them.

- Too loose - he said.

The man then said: