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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them.

The beech says to the birch:

- Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.

The birch says:

- Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies:

- It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.

A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she…

Why is it hard for a ghost to tell a lie?
→ Because you can see right through him.

A bus filled with politicians was driving through the countryside one day, on the campaign trail. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them. The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. The police officer asked:

- So you buried all the politicians?

- Were they all dead?

The farmer answered:

- Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie.

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said:

- My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.

The teacher said:

- That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Sally raised her hand and said:

- My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.

The teacher said:

- Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said loudly:

The truck driver stopped to picked up the girl hitchhiker in short shorts.

- Say, what's your name, mister? - she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.

- It's Snow, Roy Snow, and what's yours? - he answered.

- I'm June, June Hansen - she said.

- Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances? - she challenged the trucker some miles down the road.

- Can you imagine what it might be like, having eight inches of Snow in June? - he countered with a question of his own.

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. - How long will Ralph be on crutches? - the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

Chatting with a bull, a turkey sighed and said:

- I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, but I haven't got the energy.

Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? - replied the bull.

- They're packed with nutrients.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, the turkey reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was, proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey from the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there!

Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?
→ Just in case they get a hole in one.

- Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before!

- Caddy: I didn't realize you had played before, sir!

- Golfer: My wife says if I don't stop playing golf she's going to leave me!

- Caddy: I'm sure you will miss her terribly, sir!

- Golfer: Well caddy, do you like my game?

- Caddy: Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf.

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:

#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.

A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital.

While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic…

You might be a redneck if. . .

- You think harass is two words.

- You consider fast food hitting a deer at 65 MPH.

- Every day someone comes to your house mistakingly thinking your having a yard sale.

- Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.

- You have more dogs than the local shelter.

- You consistantly receive credit card offers with a limit of $1.25.

- Your postman puts rubber gloves on when the red flag is up on your mailbox.

How do you know when your staying in an Arkansas hotel?
→ When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead!"

Saint Peter is doing his thing, minding the Gates of Heaven, when he notices that the Gates are getting a bit shabby and shopworn and in need of repair.

He goes outside to the line of people waiting to come "in" and asks "ARE THERE ANY CONTRACTORS HERE?"

Three guys step foreward......... A Black Man, an Italian, and a Jew.

Peter asks the three to inspect the Gates and then give a price, with a breakdown.

First, the Black guy goes over and looks at the Gates. "I think $900.00 should do it" he says. "That would be $300. for materials, $300. for labor, and $300 for me" "Great," says Peter

Next the Italian guy inspects the Gates. He takes a long time, pouring over every bit of what he surveys, then…

Some good put-downs...ya' never know when you'll need one!

I refuse to enter a battle of the wits with you --it's against my morals to attack an unarmed person.

Are your parents cousins?

Your teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter.

Nice face...what are you going to do when the baboon wants his ass back?

Oh my God, look at you! Anyone else hurt in the accident?

What other problems do you have besides being unemployed, a moron and a dork?

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

The minister was presenting his Sunday morning service to the congregation. He stated that everything that mankind had experienced or would ever experience was discussed or mentioned in the Bible.

After the sermon, he was shaking hands with the congregation as they filed out of the church. A woman came up to the minister and said, "Preacher, I heard your message today and I really believe that what you said is true. However in my readings of the Scripture, I have never seen any mention of PMS."

The minister scratched his head....thought for a moment and said, "Well sister just off the top of my head I cannot think of a passage but I'm sure that it exists. See me after next week's service and…

A few children's books that didn't make the cut:

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
8. All Cats Go to Hell
9. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

1. Bicycles don't pregnant.
2. You can ride your bicycle any time of the month.
3. Bicycles don't have parents.
4. Bicycles don't whine unless something is really wrong.
5. You can share your bicycles with your friends.
6. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you've ridden.
7. When riding, you and your bicycle can arrive at the same time.
8. Bicycles don't care how many other bicycles you have now.
9. Bicycles don't care if you look at other bicycles.
10. Bicycles don't care if you buy bicycle magazines.

After each question, your say: "Rubber Jugs and Liquor".

What did you have for breakfast?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What did you have for lunch?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What did you have for supper?
→ Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

What would you do if you saw a hot chick walking down the street?
→ hee-hee hoo-hoo haa-haa!

This couple just got married and was spending their honeymoon at a secluded campgrounds next to a small lake. Every day the new bridegroom was seen in a boat on the lake fishing.

Two old timers who was always setting on the dock thought it kinda funny that the groom was spending all his time on the lake. Well, their curiosity got the best of them and they confronted him when he came in for lunch. The first old man said:

- Son when I first got married me and my wife spent every day of our honeymoon in bed... well you know!

The new groom said, "well, normally that's what I would do, But she...well, she's got gonorrhea." The second old man said, "well son haven't you ever heard about oral sex?…

A young woman said to her doctor:

- You have to help me, I hurt all over!

What do you mean? - said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled:

- Ow, that hurts.

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled:

- Ouch! That hurts, too.

Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts!"

The doctor asked the woman:

- Are you a natural blonde?

Two condoms were walking past a Gay bar.

One looks at the other and says...:

- You wanna go in and get shit faced?

Once there were four engineers traveling in a car. While they were traveling to their destination the car stalled on them. Then the first engineer who was a mechanical engineer said:

- don't worry its probably engine problems. I will just pop open the hood and take a look at the motor.

Then the second engineer, who was an electrical engineer, said:

- no, no ,no. It is an electrical problem. Just let me look at the fuse box and I will find the problem.

The third engineer, who was a chemical engineer, said:

- its just a problem with the fuel. Flush out all of the gas and replace it with new gas and you will see that the car will be fine.

Then the three engineers looked at the fourth who was a…

The Lord spoke to Noah and said:

- Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark.

And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.

"OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, "I'm your man."

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!"

Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting…

Wouldn't it be great if men were made by Kodak!

- They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used.

- You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.

- They last longer and come with a warranty.

- You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.

- They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.

- They come in fashion colors.

- You can keep them in maximum zoom.

- They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.

- The parts that count are portable.

A man walked into a curio store and was looking around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.

The proprietor said, that will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it. The man said:

- Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story.

He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked -- the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, which he did -- and all the rats drowned.

He returned to the store where he purchased the brass rat, and when…

A brunette walks over to her Blonde friends home and finds her crying. "What happened...why are you crying?"

The Blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.

The neighbor makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.

The next day the neighbor goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.

Once again, she asks her why she was crying?

This time the blonde replies hysterically... "I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!"