This old guy wobbles into an ice cream shop.
He has a hard time walking. He is hunched over.
He goes up to the counter and says:
- Banana Split, please.
The lady at the counter replies:
- Crushed nuts?
The old man says:
- No, Arthritis!
When Bill and Hillary first got married, Bill said:
- I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it.
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed, saying:
- I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked in the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?
There was a guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine. She very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Clearly, and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He began to like her and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too. But, he was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing for him to do but to break up with Lorraine and date the new girl. He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day as they were walking along the river bank, Lorraine slipped and fell in to the…
The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked:
- Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?
After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered:
- I guess you'd be eating alone!
Due to the recent merger of AOL and Time Warner, AOL members can soon expect the following changes:
Time Magazine's next "Man Of The Year" issue will feature Steve Case on the cover as the undisputed winner. This of course will strictly be a coincidence.
The standard irritating AOL popups will be replaced by Warner Bros. cartoons. Now, Elmer Fudd will say:
- You cwazy wabbit, you've been onwine for 5 minutes and that's way-y-y too long... we're going to boot you off!
The next time that you hear Bugs Bunny say, "Eh, what's up Doc?" he will be referring to your monthly AOL subscription charge.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
→ No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
→ Still no eye deer.
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that there had to be something done about it.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She then explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the…
What gives milk and has one horn?
→ A milk truck!
Have you ever smelled mothballs????
I was just wondering how you would get their little legs open!!!!
"If Men TRULY Ruled the World!"...
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the behind and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would pretty much do it.
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history!
The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night Football from a Different Camera…
The Rules Of Bedroom Golf!
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked:
- What gender is a computer?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.
These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included.
- My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
- Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
- Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
- Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
- Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him:
- Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times.
The doctor nods and gives her some pills.
- Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done.
So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor:
- What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!
The doctor nodded:
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms.
The father replies:
- Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.
The son then asks his father:
- Well what's the 6 pack for?
The father replies:
- Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.
Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies:
- Well, that's for when you're married... You have one for January, one for February, one for March...
What did the ballerina do when she hurt her foot?
→ She called the toe truck!
How To Shower Like A Man:
Bits of information to help you through the day:
- If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
- A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
- Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
- Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included here?)
- The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)
- The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking…
Here's some sure signs you may be a Canadian...
- You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
- You understand, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine."
- You know what it means to be on 'pogey'.
- You know that "a mickey" and "2-4's" mean "Party at the cabin, eh!!"
- You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
- You can drink legally while still a 'teen'.
- You don't give a hoot about the fuss with Cuba, it's just a cheap place to travel to and has good cigars.
- You're not sure if the leader of our nation has EVER had sex and don't want to know if he has!
- You get milk in bags as well as cartons and plastic jugs.
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king:
- If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young…
A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.
- Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine - said the nun, gently patting his hand.
- We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?
- No, I'm not - the man whispered hoarsely.
- Can you pay in cash? - persisted the nun.
- I'm afraid I cannot, Sister.
- Well, do you have any close relatives? - the nun essayed.
- Just my sister in New York - he volunteered.
- But she's a spinster nun.
TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.
Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
A husband and wife are getting ready to go to bed.
The husband says:
- I thought we'd have sex tonight.
The wife replies:
- No, I'm too tired tonight.
The husband says:
- Is that your final answer?
The wife says:
- Yes, it is, thank you.
The husband says:
Contest: Beer vs. Pussy
A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you married. Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy.
24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer.
