What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the Playoffs?
→ The Dallas Cowboys
How many players did the Cowboys dress for their last game?
→ 22. The rest dressed themselves.
What's Jerry Jones' biggest concern?
→ Does bail money count against the salary cap?
What do you call a drug ring in Dallas?
→ A huddle.
Four Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Who's driving?
→ The police.
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making.
The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says:
- Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!
So the man runs into the bathroom.
Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.
- Why are you naked? - he asks.
- Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to recieve you.
"Okay." the man replies "I'll go get ready."
He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.
- Who the hell are you?! - the man asks.
- If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
- If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
- Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
- What do chickens think we taste like?
- What do people in China call their good plates?
- What do you call a male ladybug?
- What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man?
- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
- When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it?
- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said:
- OK, lets get out and get him.
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted:
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on…
NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as LardAss, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless.
EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
Two Polish guys were taking their first trip to Warsaw on the train. A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas, which they'd never seen before. Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his friend and said:
- I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
- Why not?
- I took one bite and went blind for half a minute!
There were three guys walking together, a Newfie, a Quebecer, and a Vancouver guy. They came across a lantern and a genie popped out.
- I will give you each one wish; that's three wishes in total!
The Newfie said:
God was talking to Adam and Eve one day just before Creation. He asked:
- Well, you two, I only have a couple more goodies left to hand out before my job is done. Which one of you wants to be able to pee standing up?
Adam raises his hand and yells:
- Me, Me, pick me!!
So God obliged.
God looks at Eve and says:
- Well, sorry Eve...but it looks like you're stuck with the multiple orgasms.
About two weeks before Christmas, a little Catholic boy decided to write a letter to Santa. He started "Dear Santa...", he thought "No, I will go to a higher authority", so he decided to write a letter to Jesus.
"Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas, I will be good for two weeks.."
"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for two weeks", he thought to himself.
So he started all over again...
"Dear Jesus, If you get me a bike for Christmas I will be good for one week."
"NO NO NO NO I can't be good for one week", he thought to himself.
So he quickly ran to the Study room and grabbed their statue of Mary, and quickly wrapped it up in a blanket.
He started all over again.
After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.
He said:
- Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!
The Preacher replied:
- Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...
- I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!
The man said:
- I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!
The Reverend said:
- Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church!
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Alaska.
The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife:
- Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!
And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.
- Now watch - he said. Next he said:
- Dick, ten-HUT!
And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said:
- Dick, at EASE!
And his dick deflated again.
- Wow, that was amazing - said his wife. - Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!
A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked:
- Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?
- Well, yes, I actually did once.
- And how did your husband look?
- Angry, very angry.
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said:
- Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
- Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?
Top 10 Summer Camps you should not send your kids to:
How to identify a Canadian driver:
And God Created Woman. And She was Good. She had 2 arms, 2 legs and 3 breasts.
And God asked the woman what she would like to have changed about herself. She asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good.
She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob? And God created Man!
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = I don't see why your making such a big deal about this.
The Top Ten Things Men Know About Women:
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
(ATTENTION... if you don't get it, seek help fast :)
This elderly Italian guy goes to his parish priest and asked if he would hear his confession. The priest assured him that he would, and the two took up the customary positions on either side of the divider.
- Well, Father - began the old man. - At the beginning of World War II a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. So I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.
- That's a wonderful thing - interjected the priest. - But it's certainly nothing you need to confess!
- It's gets worse Father - continued the elderly fellow. - I was weak and I told her that she had to repay me for hiding her, by providing me with sexual favors.
A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said:
- I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.
The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked:
- Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?
The player thought for a moment and then answered:
- 4?
- Did you say 4?! - the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer.
Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming:
- Come on coach, give him another chance!
There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.
She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.
She asked Dr. Chang:
- Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!
So Dr. Chang said:
- Take off all yu cwothes.
So she did. Then he said:
- Now, get on yu hands and knees and crawl weal fas away frum me, den craw weal fas back to me.
So the young lady did.
Dr. Chang looked at her said:
There is a big controversy these days concerning when life begins. In Jewish tradition the fetus is not considered a viable human being until after graduation from medical or law school.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
→ One less drunk!
Why are there so many Italian men in New York named Tony?
→ When they came over to this country, they had "To NY" stamped on their foreheads.
A Russian, a Saudi, a North Korean and an American are walking down the street. A pollster stops them and asks:
- Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?
The Saudi replies:
- Excuse me, what's a 'shortage'?
The Russian replies:
New College Courses for Men as Prepared by Women:
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles,
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places,
Of laughter and of fun,
A ten year-old Jewish boy was failing math. His parents tried everything from tutors to hypnosis; but to no avail.
Finally, at the insistence of a family friend, they decided to enroll their son in a private Catholic school.
After the first day, the boy's parents were surprised when he walked in after school with a stern, focused and very determined expression on his face. He went straight past them, right to his room and quietly closed the door.
For nearly two hours he toiled away in his room with math books strewn about his desk and the surrounding floor. He emerged long enough to eat, and after quickly cleaning his plate, went straight back to his room, closed the door and worked feverishly…
