Latest

This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he sits drinking, he notices a peanut jump out of the dish before him. The peanut proceeds to talk, 'hey there buddy,' it hollers, 'you're looking mighty fine tonight!' The guy can't believe what he is seeing. 'This sure is some strong beer!' He thinks to himself before getting up to go to the toilet. On his way back to the bar, the guy walks past a cigarette machine which appears to speak, 'hey asshole, go screw yourself!' it yells.

The guy can't believe it and decides to ask the bartender what's going on. 'Hey bartender, I swear to god that one of those peanuts over there just started a conversation with me and on the way back from the men's…

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in…

The five most constipated people in the Bible:

1. Cain-who wasn't able.
2. King Solomon-who sat on the throne for forty years.
3. King David-who neither Heaven nor Earth could move.
4. Moses-who took two tablets and went up into the mountains.
5. Noah-who spent 40 days and 40 nights on the ark and passed nothing but water.

An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over...

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

- Why, I've been to the pub of course - slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".

- I did all right - the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

- Oh, thank heavens - sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf!"

5 Good Reasons not to be a Penis!

1. You're bald your entire life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. You live between two nuts.
4. An asshole lives behind you.
5. When you get excited, you throw up and then you faint.

What's the last thing a gay mortician does before he goes home?
→ Sucks down a cold one!

How do you cure constipation?
→ Sit on a block of cheese and swallow a mouse!

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says:

- So what's bothering you, dear?

She says:

- Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.

The priest says:

- Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?

She says:

- That he did, Father...

The priest says:

A couple hobbled into a Washington (state) emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head.

They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man.

While in the act she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go....

YEEOOOOOOOUCH!

What is black, blue, red, and brown?
→ A Brewnette that has told to many Blonde Joke.

What does a brewnette always miss at a great party?
→ The invitation.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
→ So that brewnettes can understand them.

What is a fine lookin' man with a brewnette?
→ A hostage.

This guy walks into a bar and two steps in realizes it's a gay bar, but decides:

- What the heck, I really want a drink.

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the guy:

- What's the name of your penis?

- Guy: Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.

- Waiter: I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike' for the slogan 'Just Do It'. That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers' because 'It Really Satisfies'.

The guy looks dumbfounded, so the waiter says he'll give him a couple of minutes to think it over. So the guy turns to the man on his left and asks:

- Hey, bud, what's the name of your penis?

- Tech Support: What does the screen say now.

- Person: It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'.

- Tech Support: Well?

- Person: How do I know when it's ready?

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again.

When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again.

This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again.

It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off.

The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an…

Old & New concerns for the baby boomers:

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying:

- Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!

Some of life's truisms...

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Are you harboring a fugitive?
→ Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P.
→ Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man
→ Dum Gai

Small Horse
→ Tai Ni Po Ni

Your price is too high!!
→ No Bai Dam Thing!!

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks:

- Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?

Her mother replied:

- Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked:

- Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?

An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied:

- I`d like to have some birth-control pills.

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said:

- Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?

The woman responded:

- They help me sleep better.

The doctor thought some more and continued:

- How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?

The woman said:

- Simple, I put them in my granddaughter`s orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night.

The secretary came in late for work for the third day in a row.

The boss called her into his office and said:

- Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here?

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said:

- My lawyer.

The Grade 2 pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

- First Pupil: I visited my Nana.

- Teacher: Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother.

- Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo.

- Teacher: Please, you had a ride on a train.

- Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time.

- Teacher: Excellent. And what was the name of the book?

- Third Pupil, with a big grin: Winnie The Shit!

Tips for Moving South...

Yee-Haw!

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

Instructions for the guys:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert Card
3. Enter PIN
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away

Instructions for the Gals:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine

36 things you'll never hear from a Redneck...

1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pick-up...it's not safe."
8. "Professional wresslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"

The following were actually taken from classified ads in newspapers:

- 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

- COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

- FREE PUPPIES: PART COCKER SPANIEL - PART SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

- GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

- FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

- BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

- FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT... BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.

- GEORGIA PEACHES- CALIFORNIA GROWN -89 cents lb.

- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.