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Why did the jellybean jump off the cliff?
→ Because he wanted to be a smarty!

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

What was the last thing they gave to Elmo before he left the factory?
→ 2 testtickles!

Three Nuns died and were up at outside the gates of Heaven. St. Peter was there with them. St. Peter decided he needed to quiz each nun with a different question to see if they really desereved to go to Heaven.

St. Peter asked the first nun:

- Nun, Who was the first man on earth?

She replied:

- That would be Adam.

St. Peter let her through the gates.

St. Peter walked up to the second nun and asked her:

- Nun, Who was the first woman on earth?

She replied:

- That would be Eve.

Man goes to the bar and says:

- bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says:

- Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that.

The man says:

- Just pour them.

The man takes the first shot and the bartender says:

- Hey, you want to talk about it?

The man says:

- No!

There was this family who lived in the country, and the father took his boy out shooting. When they came back later that day the father put his BB gun on the top of the stove and hurried to the bathroom.

He set it down so fast and hard that it opened and the BB's from the gun went right into mother's spagetti sauce. She had seen the BB's and just figured that they couldn't hurt anyone, so she just served dinner anyways.

Later that night the little girl ran down stairs saying:

- mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt you said the mom. No said the girl. Ok then don't worry it will go away.

Then the little boy runs down stairs:

- mommy mommy I just peed BB's! Well did it hurt she says? No…

How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced?
→ A Buccaneer!

This is not only philosophical but is obviously pure science.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making…

What does a nun wear on a date?
→ A Cross Your Heart Bra and No-nonsense pantyhose.

A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest:

- I had an affair with a woman - almost.

The priest says:

- What do you mean, 'almost'?

The man says:

- Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.

The priest replies:

- Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.

The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says:

A young girl is wandering through a park in the pouring rain, when she comes across 3 dogs. Being a bit of an animal lover, she approaches them, bends down and starts to stroke one of them:

- Ah, you're lovely, aren't you? - she says to the first dog.

- What's your name?

To her surprise, the dog actually answers her:

- My name's Huey, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles.

Delighted with this discovery, she moves on to the next dog:

- And what's your name then?

Again, unbelievably, the 2nd dog answers her:

- My name's Lewy, and I've had a great day going in and out of puddles.

And so she moves on to the last dog. "Let me guess," she says:

One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland, while walking through the heather the lass says:

- ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand!

Wee jordy says:

- aye lass that i do, but how can you tell?

Well she says:

- i can tell by the gleam in your eye.

Walking along a bit further she says to him:

- wee jordy i can tell you want to give me a kiss.

- well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?

- ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!

What is 6 inches long.....
Has a big head....
Woman love it?????
→ A $100 dollar bill!

Just after I got married, I decided to have a night with "the boys." I told the misses that I would be home by midnight...promise! Well, the yarns were being spun and the grog was going down easy, and at around 3 a.m. full as a boot, I went home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock started, and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having the quick wittedness, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning the misses asked me what time I got in and I told her 12 o'clock. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her why she said:

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced 6 children.

Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt. Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt marries Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt - Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number…

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:

- Say, Father, what causes arthritis?

- Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.

- Well, I'll be damned - the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized:

- I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long…

If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

You'd make a lovely corpse!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?

You're a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits...huh?

Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?

You love nature in spite of what it did to you?

I want to reach your mind - where is it currently located?

I wish I'd known you when you were alive.

The couple were leaving the cocktail party, where the husband, slightly flushed, had been the life of the party.

"John," she said:

- did anyone ever tell you how fascinating, how romantic, and how handsome you are?

"No," the man replied happily, looking at his wife:

- I don't think anyone ever did?

"Well," she snapped:

- then where did you ever get the idea!!!

A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it:

- Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes? - the man asked.

"Because," replied the blonde:

- my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said:

- Look at that dog with one eye!

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes:

- Why?

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. Greeting him the Lord says:

- You've lived a good life. If there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know.

The cat thinks for a minute and says:

- Well, all my life I lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor...

The Lord stops the cat and says:

- Say no more!

Just then a wonderful fluffy pillow appears and the cat contentedly wanders off to find a good place to nap.

A few days later six mice killed in a tragic farming accident go to heaven. The Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer:

- All of our lives we've been chased. We've had to run from cats, from…

Your Momma sooo ugly, when she go to the beach the tide don't come in!

Your Momma so dirty, when she stand next to a building she look like an alley!

Your Momma so poor, she go to Mcdonalds to put a shake on layaway!

Your Momma so dumb, she called information to ask for the number to 911!

Your Momma so fat her belt size says "equator".

Your Momma is so ugly that any position is doggy style.

What is the newest game at the white house?
→ Swallowing the leader!

We have all heard of the ten commandments.

Well recently a new eleventh commandment was made. Just for President Clinton.

"Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff."