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What do you call a guy who hangs around?
→ Art!

A recent survey carried out by a leading soft drink manufacturer in Disneyland produced some strange results.

Mickey Mouse like Coca-Cola, while Minnie prefers Pepsi.

Donald Duck likes Dr. Pepper, while Daisy prefers RootBeer.

Pluto likes plain old lemonade, as does Goofy.

But Snow White adores 7up.

One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday the teacher asks:

- How many grains of sand are on the beach? needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class:

- How many stars are in the sky? and again no one could answer.

Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night Johnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of…

How is a dog's tail like the center of a tree?
→ It's furthest from the bark!

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

- Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?

- None - replied Johnny - cause the rest would fly away.

- Well, the answer is four - said the teacher - but I like the way you're thinking.

Little Johnny says:

- I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?

- Well - said the teacher nervously - I guess the one sucking the cone.

What did the blonde do when she locked her keys in her car?
→ She had to break a window to get out!

I was so poor growing up...

If I wasn't born a boy..

I'd have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said ....

- Come on over, there's nobody home.

I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy:

- Hey buddy, why are you doing that?

The story takes off where Cinderella just got yelled at by her step-mother, then her fairy godmother comes to her aid.

The fairy godmother says:

- I can make you a new dress and give you everything you need to go to the ball... on two conditions!

- Anything - says Cinderella - anything!

- Okay the first condition is you have to wear a diaphram. The second condition is you have to be back by 2:00 AM or else your diaphram will turn into a pumpkin - says the fairy godmother.

So Cinderella goes to the ball and the fairy godmother just waits and waits and then it gets to be 2:00AM, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 and Cinderella's still not back. Then Cinderella finally shows up and the fairy godmother is astonished…

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said:

- I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!

- That's right! - shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said:

- I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!

- That's right! - shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, little johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

- Is it wine? - she asked.

- No - little johnny answered.

There was a gay lad from Kartoume
Took a lesbian up to his room
Well, they argued all night
as to who had the right
To do what, with which and to whom

There were three girls in a bar. One girl says...

- I can get a whole hand up my cunt!

Then the second girl says:

- well, I can get a whole foot up mine!

Finally, the other girl says:

- I don't mean to brag, but could you help me off this stool!

How do you babysit black kids?
→ Wet their lips and stick them to the wall!

How do you stop a black kid from jumping on the bed?
→ Put velcro on the ceiling.

How do you get him down?
→ Blind fold two mexican kids and tell them he's a pinata.

How did Black eye peas get their name?
→ They were fighting over the Chick peas!

Your momma so nasty she charges $10 for sex, gives ya lice, when ya comeback to complain she says - "For $10 what do ya expect, lobster?"

Yo mamma so stupid she got hit by a parked car.

Yo Momma's so old she got powderd milk in her boobs!

Three old ladies went for a walk in the park, they were suddenly approached by a man who flashed at them, two of them had a stroke - the third wasn't quick enough..

Montreal Gazette's Top 50 Jokes from the 1999 Just For Laughs festival.

1. (On going to war over religion:) You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.
2. I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion... what was that conclusion, anyway?
3. (On the difference between men and women:) On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.
4. Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to a posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.
5. And God said:

- Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.

Rufus bought his wife Lula-bell a bouquet of twelve long-stemmed roses for her birtday. Lula-bell gave him a big, close, hug and a long, deep, kiss.

Then she wispered in his ear:

- I guess I'm just gonna spend all night on my back with my legs in the air.

Rufus thought about it for a minute, then said:

- You don't have to do that, honey. I bought you a vase to put the flowers in.

What's better than winning the gold medal at the special olympics?
→ Not being retarded!

Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend:

- They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch.

- What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself - her friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

- Superb! I can't believe it - Mary said.

- I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!

By the way - Mary is blonde.

10 year old Johnny's mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike.

Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadn't made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now.

He gets downstairs, looks around, doesn't see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mother's room and stops dead in his tracks, 'cause there was his Momma, laying stark naked on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating:

- Oh, I need a man, Ohhh I need a man.

Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs…

Did you hear there is a new movie out about the Kennedys?

It's called Three Funerals and a Wedding.

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said:

- Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?

- Well - said the farmer - that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids.

- That's amazing sir but why does that pig onlly have three legs? - said the man.

- Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didn't. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it weren't for that pig we would all be dead.