A young man walks up and sits at the bar.
- What can I get you? - the bartender inquires.
- I want 6 shots of Jagermeister, - responded the young man.
- 6 shots! Are you celebrating something?
- Yeah, my first blow job.
- Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.
- No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.
What did one Lesbian frog say to the other Lesbian frog?
→ You know what...we DO taste like chicken!
What does the Star Trek Enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
→ They both circle around uranus searching for klingons!
Your momma so stanky...when she passes by the toilet it flushes!!!
A rich society lady was being driven home in the rain when her Rolls Royce gets a puncture.
The car slowly stopped, and the chauffeur got out. After a long delay the society lady wound down the window.
- Do you want a screwdriver? - she asked.
The chauffeur shrugged:
- Might as well, - he said, I can't get this bloody hub cap off!!!
What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, you already told her to shut up twice.
Your mom is so fat, that I knew her all my life, and I still haven't seen all of her!
Your mom is so fat, I can get morning exercise by running around here!
One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story, little Suzy raises her hand:
- My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies:
- Don't keep all your eggs in one basket.
Next is little Lucy:
- Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend…
Write down on a peice of paper:
M R ducks
M R not
O S A R
C M wangs
L I B
M R ducks
Now have somebody say it, saying the capitals as letters, it comes out as:
'em are ducks
'em are not
There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in W.Va. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview:
- Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?
The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time:
- Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!
The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between two points he chose.
The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.
The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension…
One day at school, the teacher sees cuts and bruises all over little johnny's body. Worried, she asks him what happened.
He replies:
- Well, my parents are doing renovations in my room and I sleep with them. Last night, I woke and heard my father asking OK? and mom said OK so I asked OK what? So they got real angry and beat me up.
The next day, the teacher sees new cuts and bruises on little johnny's body so she asks him what happened and tells her the same thing. So she tells him not to say anything should the same thing occur tonight.
Next day at school, little johnny comes to class with a head band on his head and crutches with his face all blue and swollen.
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said:
- I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God.
The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand.
The little boy says:
- I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love.
- Very good - said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. Oh no - she thought - I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says:
Top 20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters:
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.
The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.
Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream, he realized that his girlfriend's had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.
When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed:
- Where's my ice cream cone?
- Well - he said - I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too.
She was incensed and cried:
- You shellfish bastard!!
It was just another day and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue. I whipped out my Million Dollar Bar and whispered:
- Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like Crunch on My Big Hunk - she replied - Oh Henry, what a Whopper.
Well she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll and it was pure Almond Joy. I couldn't resist her Charms and reached out and grabbed her Mounds, it was easy to see this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger slipped into her tight little Kit Kat as she screamed:
- Oh Henry, Oh Henry soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and Zagnut's…
What kind of wood does not float?
→ Natalie Wood!
Where you you fing a dog with no legs?
→ Right where you left it.
One day Ms. Nelson, a kindergarden teacher, was giving a lesson on imagination. What she would do was hold an item behind her back, give a few descriptions of the item, and ask the kids to guess what it was. First she said to the children:
- I have something long and yellow behind my back.
The kids suggested a pencil. Ms. Nelson said:
- no, i'm holding a bannana, but I like you all's imagination.
Next she said:
- I have something round and red.
Little Johnny stood up and guessed it was a ball. Ms. Nelson told Johnny it was an apple but she liked Johnny's imagination. Johnny had an idea. He told his teacher:
- I have something in my pocket that's warm and it has a head on it.
There was a little red man who lived in a little red house on a little red street in a little red town. Now this little red man wanted to take a little red shower so he put his little red towel on the little red towel rack. Just as he was about to get in, the little red doorbell rang.
So he put his little red towel around his little red waist and went to the little red door. He opened the little red door and there stood a woman.
Just then a big gust of wind came and blew the little red towel away. The woman screamed, ran accross the road and got hit by a car.
The moral of the story?
→ Never run accross the road when the little red man is flashing.
yo momma's so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington's nose!
When his wife gave birth to a healthy baby, a proud father went in to work and told everybody that he has a 10Kg healthy son.
After hearing what was going on, the wife tells the father to quit telling everybody that the baby is 10Kg because he's only 4 Kg.
Next day at work, the father comes in and tells everyone that the baby is only 4 Kg.
- What do you mean, he was 10 yesterday?
- Umm, well that was before he got circumcised.
yo momma so stupid that she asked you what kind of jeans you had on. And you said Guess so she said Levi's.
A lady went to bed and turned out all the lights. Later she awoke and heard a crash, instantly she died of shock. What kind of house did she live in?
→ A LIGHTHOUSE!!!
