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What's the difference between a mans paycheck and his dick?
→ He can always find a girl to blow his paycheck!

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray this cushy life to keep
I pray for toys that look like mice
and warm cushions soft and nice
For grocery bags where I can hide
Just like a tiger croucched inside
I pray for gourmet kitty snacks
and someone nice to scratch my back
For window sills all warm and bright
for shadows to explore by night

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
11. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
12. See if they could finally do splits.
13. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
14. Cross their legs without rearranging.
15. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.
16. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
17. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
18. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina .

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

There were two teenagers and they just got thru playing basketball. So they went to the showerhouse.

They were in the showerhouse and the first teenager noticed a cork up the other teenagers butt. So when they got out of the showerhouse, the first teenager ask why he had a cork up his butt?

The other teenager said, "Well, I was at the beach and a fairy said she could grant me one wish", and in amazement I said - "No CRAP!"

Things NOT to say to a Cop!

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!
5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
8. Bad cop! No Donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

You know you're out of college when...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.

A man frantically calls 911 and says:

- help...my wife has gone into labor and her contractions are 10 minutes apart.

- 911: Is this her first child?

- Man: Of course not, you idiot...this is her husband!

Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going.

- Really bad - said the second bee.

- the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey.

- No problem - said the first bee.

- Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.

- Thanks for the tip - said the second bee and flew away.

A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked:

- How'd it go?

- Fine - said the second bee.

- It was everything you said it would be.

One day a mother and father were having sex and their son walked in. The kid asked:

- What are you doing?

Well, you wanted a brother, so we're making you one.

The next day, the father walks outside and sees his son porking away on the family junker's tailpipe.

- Son...what the hell are you doing!!!

And the son replied:

- Mom said she wanted an new car, so I'm making her one!

YO mamma is so fat...she sat on the rainbow and skittles popped out!

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said:

- Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, - To which the second guy responded:

- Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too.

The first man exclaimed:

- Oh hell, there go my Sundays!

Yo momma so damn heavy that when she stands on the scales to get weighed it says "TO BE CONTINUED!"

A duck walks in to a drug store and asks for a condom.

The sales person comes back with the condom and says:

- Put this on your bill sir - to which the duck replies:

- what do you think I'M a dickhead!

A blonde buys a plane ticket to Miami. (It's a coach Ticket). When she gets on the plane she sits in first class.

The steward who checks tickets says:

- I'm so sorry, this is a coach ticket and your sitting in 1st class.

- I can do What-eva I want, I'm a blonde.

Well I'll get the pilot.

The pilot comes and whispers in the blondes ear and she leaves. The steward looks amazed and says:

- What did you say?

The pilot simply says:

- I told her 1st class wasn't going to Miami, just coach was!!!

You're so ugly, yo momma had to tie a pork chop around your neck just to get the dog to play with you.

Yo momma's so fat that the last time that she wore a T-shirt with a X on it a helicopter tried to land on her.

Your dog is so dumb that if you were to cut off his tail and make him walk backwards he'd start wagging his head!

Three paratroopers, a Jew, an American, and a Pollack are to throw a hand gernade from the plane, then jump.

The Jew goes first:

- This is for my country - and he throws the gernade out and jumps. He lands and sees a little boy crying and asks:

- what's the matter? The boys says:

- my dog just blew up!

The American tosses the gernade, jumps and when he lands he sees a little girl crying. She tells him:

- my cat just blew up!

The Pollack tosses, jumps and lands. He sees this Redneck laughing his head off. The Pollock asks:

- What so funny?

The Redneck replies:

Your mamma's so stupid she locked her self in a bathroom and peed her pants!

- ARTERY--The study of fine paintings.

- BARIUM--What you do when CPR fails.

- BENIGN--What yoiu are after you be8.

- CAESAREAN SECTION--A district in Rome.

- COLIC--A sheep dog.

- COMA--A punctuation mark.

- CONGENITAL--Friendly.

- DILATE--To live longer.

- FESTER--Quicker.

- G.I. SERIES--Baseball game between teams of soldiers.

One morning at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and wasn't.

He said:

- God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male nor female.

After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad and asked:

- Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?

There is an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Ukranian and the are in their final stages of training for the FBI. The agents explained to them their final test.

- We have each one of your wives contained in separate cells and what you guys have to do in order to complete your FBI training is you have to prove your loyalty. You must grab that gun and go into your wifes cell and kill her.

The englishman grabbed the gun.

- Man I hate that bitch. She is going to get it good.

He walked off into the cell and was in there for about a minute. There was just silence. He came out crying:

- We've been maried too long. I just cant do it.

So he was booted out.

The frenchman grabbed the gun.

- If I must, I must.

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
→ So brunettes can remember them.

What is black and blue and brown lying in a ditch?
→ A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.

So, I recently took a tour of the White House, and on the tour our guide pointed out the new name to the "Oval Office", seems someone liked the name the "Oral Office" better!

A cheeseburger walks into a bar, and says:

- Hey bartender give me a beer.

The bartender says:

- I'm sorry we don't serve food here.