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How do you get a blonde to marry you?
→ Tell her she's pregnant.

What will she ask you?
→ "Is it mine?"

What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
→ An air bag.

Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
→ Cause she blows the horn!

What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
→ It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.

Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
→ To turn the blinker off.

What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
→ A blonde going through a flashing red light.

How can you tell when a blonde is dating?
→ By the buckle print on her forehead.

What is the blonde's chronic speech impediment?
→ She can't say "No".

What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
→ Retardo.

What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
→ A visitor.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
→ So she wouldn't get Hearing Aids.

Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
→ She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
→ Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
→ Because she got an F in sex.

Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
→ It finally dawned on her.

On her way home a blonde drove past a sign that said:

- CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES.

By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.

An enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield," constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood. There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The Germans took so long in building their wooden decoy that Allied photo experts had more than enough time to observe and report it.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. Early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.

- How are you grandpa? - he asks.

- Feeling fine - says the old man.

- What's the food like?

- Terrific, wonderful menus.

- And the nursing?

- Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you.

- What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?

- No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they ring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light.

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

You might be a Redneck Jedi if...

- You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."

- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

- Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

- Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we could do without the ironing lady.

- Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.

To a blonde, what is long and hard?
→ Grade 4.

When I take a long time
I am slow
When my boss takes a long time
He is thorough

When I don't do it
I am lazy
When my boss doesn't do it
He is too busy

When I do something without being told
I am trying to be smart

What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common?
→ They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.

What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
→ He knows who the ten men were.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
→ From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".

Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said:

- Oh, look at the deer tracks.

The other blonde looks and says:

- Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks.

- No. Those are deer tracks.

They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.