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A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks;

- Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

- Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!

Then the old man points out the window.

- Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can…

It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified.

- Only twenty years of normal sex life?

but the Lord was very adamant that was all man could have.

Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.

- But I don't need twenty years - he protested,

- Ten is plenty for me.

Man spoke up eagerly.

- Can I have the other ten?

The monkey graciously agreed.

Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up:

486 - The average IQ needed to understand a P.C. state-of-the-art computer you can't afford.

Obsolete - Any computer you own.

Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.

Syntax Error - "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."

GUI (pronounced "gooey") - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.

Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.

Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Idiocy in the Computer World

When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes.

- If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn't have these problems - I said in the memo.

One customer responded with:

- What kind of shampoo do you recommend?

An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both…

How was wire invented?
→ Two lawyers pulling on a penny.

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

- Why? - asks the father.

- The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'

- But that's right!

- Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'

His father asks:

- What's the fucking difference?

Johnny says:

- That's exactly what I said!

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy:

- Did you see what your monkey just did?

The guy says:

- No, what?

- He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole! - says the bartender.

- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me - replied the patron.

- He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Top 12 Rejected Public Holidays

12. Start of Christmas Season Day
13. False Labor Day
14. Make a Move on Your Secretary Day
15. Hallmark Card Day
16. Bring Your Handgun to Work Day
17. Newtsmas
18. Deadbeat Father's Day
19. Bad Hair Day
20. Put Your Daughter To Work Day

Humankind's propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics on inanimate objects has now reached computers. But, which gender should your PC be?

Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male:

- They have a lot of data, but they're still clueless.

- A better model is just around the corner.

- They look nice and shiny until you get them home.

- It's always essential to have a backup.

- They'll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.

- The best part of having one is the games you can play.

- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

- The lights are on but nobody's home.

- The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

- If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

- After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

A couple were in bed after celebrating their golden anniversary. The wife Said:

- Darling, embrace me the way you used to when we first got Married.

He did.

- Now kiss me the way you used to...

- Now darling, bite me the way you used to.

At this point the husband got out of bed and the wife said:

- Where are you going dear?

- To get my teeth, dear - the husband replied.

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling:

- Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!!

She says:

- Oh wonderful, should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?

He replies:

- I don't care...

Just get the heck out!!

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims:

- Oh, boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out:

- Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!

The old spinster was rocking on her front porch with her tomcat at her feet, when a good fairy suddenly appeared before her and offered her three wishes.

- Aw, go on - the little old lady said in disbelief.

- if you can grant three wishes, let's see you turn this rocking chair into a pile of gold?

The good fairy waved her hand, and "pouf", the rocking chair turned into a pile of pure gold. Her face lighting up, the lady said:

- I really get two more wishes?

- Yes - the good fairy assured her.

- Anything your heart desires.

- Then make me into a beautiful, voluptuous young woman.

Another wave of her hand, and the wish was granted.

- Finally, make my faithful old cat into a tall, dark and handsome…

An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young man's talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing.

The director asked the young man his name.

- Penis van Lesbian - the man replied proudly.

- Well - said the director.

- we'll have to change that.

- Oh - the young man said.

- I could never change my name. It's my heritage.

- Well - said the director.

- if you're not willing to change your name, you'll never go anywhere in show business.

The young man left the theater dejectedly. A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street.

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

- Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

- Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out…

Two gay men were partners for life and finally decided they wanted a child of their own. After weeks of consultation with Doctors and Psychiatrists the two decided to mix their sperm and implant it into a willing surrogate mother.

Soon they learned that the procedure had worked and that the surrogate was pregnant and doing well. After the usual period of time they got the call they were waiting for...their baby was born!

So they rushed to the hospital to see the little one. Looking through the viewing glass they noticed several newborn girls in a row...all of which were crying and carrying on intensely. Then they spotted a cute little baby boy at the end of the row, smiling and looking at…

The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"

15. New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.
16. He might not sound as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.
17. Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with a light saber.
18. Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."
19. The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.
20. Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.
21. C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.
22. Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.

- Darling - she whispered after they had finished making love.

- Will you still make love like that to me after we're married?

He considered this for a moment, and then replied:

- I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women.

Dum and Dummer were roughing in a house when Dummer sees Dum throwing away half the nails.

- Hold it! - says Dummer.

- Why are you throwing all those nails away?

- Because. - says Dum.

- The heads are on the wrong end.

- You dummy! - replies Dummer.

- Those are for the other side of the house!

How does a man take a bubble bath?
→ He eats beans for dinner.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
→ Because they don't have testicles.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
→ Breasts don't have eyes.

Why don't men eat more M&M's?
→ They're too hard to peel.

What do you call a man with an IQ of 50?
→ Gifted.

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

- Would that suit your needs? - he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.

Quo signo nata es?
What's your sign?

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt.
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!

Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we'll still be friends.

Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.

A lady approaches a priest and tells him:

- Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only say 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?'

- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed.

- Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

T'was the night before christmas-
Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and through down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of thanks Santa what do I hear
The Old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money the reindeers all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids