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Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
→ Because it kept falling out.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
→ Her IQ goes up!

Another blonde, another store...

She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk:

- I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.

- Does he use the ball kind? - inquired the clerk.

- No - replied the blonde:

- The kind for under his arms.

A man joins the crew of a ship. After a few days he gets restless and asks:

- What does one do about sex around here?

The others direct him to a large gun barrel with a hole in it. At first he does not like the idea much but, when he tries it, he finds it surprisingly enjoyable. He has another go the next day, and again the day after.

Then he asks:

- Can I do this every day?

- Yes, every day, except Wednesdays.

- Why not on Wednesdays?

- Wednesdays is YOUR turn inside the barrel!

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor…

A not so bright guy got a job in a factory and "the boys" soon befriended him. Just before lunch one day a fellow worker came up to him and said:

- You notice how the boss has been leaving work early for lunch and comes back late the past few weeks? Well, I've been going home and spending time with my wife. You oughta try it.

So our young friend snuck home, but as he entered his apartment, he could hear his wife and a man in his bedroom. Sneaking a peak into his bedroom, he caught his wife, with his BOSS in bed. Turning around, he quietly left the apartment and returned to work before his boss got back.

The next day, after the boss left, his friend nudged him and said:

"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

"Keyboard" -- Place to hang your truck keys.

"Window" -- Place in the truck to hang your guns.

"Floppy" -- When you run out of Polygrip.

"Modem" -- How you got rid of your dandelions.

"ROM" -- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Byte" -- First word in a kiss-off phrase.

"Reboot" -- What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

"Network" -- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

"Mouse" -- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.

IF DR SEUSS WROTE AN EPISODE OF ER

- Kerry: Now Mark, I think this ER's great, But... there are problems that can't wait! Now Benton's fine, and Carter too, But Ross and Susan just won't do! Now who do you think that we should hire, Since both of them today I'll fire?

- Mark: Kerry, maybe we should wait and see...

- Kerry: That's great Mark! I knew you would agree...

- Jerry: Dr. Weaver? Sorry to interrupt... But the paramedics just pulled up.

- Mark: Ok, I'm here. What have you got?

- Shep: This little boy has just been shot! His pulse is faint, his breath is weak. We did all we could to stop the leak.

- Riley: And this woman here, she has a broken hip...

PROOF THAT BILL GATES IS THE ANTICHRIST

Conversion to ASCII values:
MS-DOS 6.21 77 83 45 68 79 83 32 54 46 50 49 = 666
WINDOWS95 87 73 78 68 79 87 83 57 53 1 = 666
SYSTEM 7.0 83 89 83 84 69 77 32 55 46 48 = 666
Coincidence? I think not!

The real name of the Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III. By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:
B 66
I 73
L 76

Wuz de night befo Crismus
An all ober de hood
Everybody wuz sleepin'
Day wuz sleepin' good.
Everbody wuz sleepin'
all tight in they beds
Whilst Thunderbird Wine
Danced in they heads
I was passed out on de flo
Right next to my Ma

A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex).

She walks up to the pharmacist and asks:

- How much for a box of rubbers?

- They're $1 for a box of 3 - he replied:

- Plus 6 cents for the tax.

- Oh - said the blonde:

- I wondered how they kept them on.

What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
→ Opens the car door.

Why do blondes like tilt steering?
→ More head room.

Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
→ More leg room.

What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
→ Bucket seats.

What do blondes say after sex?
→ "Thanks, Guys!"
→ "Are you boys all in the same band?"
→ Do you guys all play for the same team?
→ Who were all those guys?

What is the definition of gross ignorance?
→ 144 blondes.

Why do blondes have orgasms?
→ So they know when to stop having sex!

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
[Another quarter inch doesn't impress most women.]

A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m. p. h.
[Along with everything else in your mouth at the time.]

The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500s.
[That same year men began asking:

- Put that on my WHAT?]

The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B. C.
[Does this explain Crocodile Dung Dee?]

Watch out for flying hockey pucks - they travel at up to 100 mph.

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

- What are you doing? - asked the Mom.

- Mom I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband.

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator.

- What the hell are you doing? - he asked.

His daughter replied:

- I already told Mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband.

Why don't blondes eat pickles?
→ Because they can't get their head in the jar.

What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
→ A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.

Why do blondes wear hoop earrings?
→ They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Why do blondes where big hoop earrings?
→ To put their feet through.

How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worryworry worry"
→ Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
→ You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.