Everyday I give thanks to God I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
'Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner, and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...
- Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
- No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
- Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
- Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
- Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
- Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
- Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
- Embalming fluid bottle looks an awful lot like Colt 45 bottle.
- Toe tag paper cuts.
There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says:
- I need a cigarette.
- But honey - his lover says.
- The store closes in two minutes. You'll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed.
- That's okay - He quips.
- I'll just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, I'll pretend I'm a statue.
So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the…
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other:
- Just a minute, I'll be right back.
He goes into the confessional and says:
- Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.
The Father says:
- You need to say 40 Hail Marys, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.
The confessor replies:
- Yes Father, they were.
The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.
The man said:
What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs?
→ Hey... Nice Tits!!!
The president of ABC decided that it was time to build a new factory. He asked representatives from three development companies to come in and make a bid on the project. The three companies showed up at the scheduled meeting. The president of ABC asked the first company, Bruin Construction, who's president earned his MBA from UCLA, "How much will your company charge for this project?"
- 2 million - said Bruin.
- 1 million for materials and 1 million for labor.
Then president then asks the same question to the second company, Cardinal Construction, whose president earned his MBA from Stanford. Cardinal answered:
- 3 million, 1.5 million for materials, 1.3 million for labor, and 0.2 million for…
One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.
Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.
The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the…
Cinderella REALLY wanted to go to Prince Charming's ball, but as you know the evil stepsisiers and stepmother will not let her. So they leave her all alone on the big night, cleaning the place.
- Oh, how I wish I could go! - Cinderella sighed.
No sooner had she said this than her Fairy Godmother appeared, holding a long, beautiful white dress.
- Here, god-child - the fairy said.
- try this on.
So Cinderella puts the thing on, and it fits perfectly, except she notices some red drops on the white fabric.
- Dammit - Cinderella said.
- of all the lousy nights to get my period!
So the God mother presents her with a magic Tampon to solve the problem, but the tampon has a warning on it:
A man out playing golf slices off into the woods. When he goes to find the ball he discovers a witch (hat and all) stirring a cauldron. So out of curiosity he asks her what she is brewing.
- A magic potion - she replies.
- Well what does it for - he asks.
- This potion will make anyone an excellent golfer.
At this he gets really excited and asks if he can have some. She is agreeable but warns him that it will have dire consequences on his sex life.
After a short period of soul searching he decides to try the potion.
He goes back to the golf course and completes an excellent game of golf. Next he challenges the golf pro and beats him easily. He spends every possible moment of the next year playing…
Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girls house. One day he is carrying a football, and he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says:
- See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one! The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football.
The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". The little boy gets mad and points to his bike:
- See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!
Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really…
And now, some excuses:
- I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.
A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and…
The huge Air Canada Jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom:
- This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Toronto.
Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit.
The co-pilot says to the pilot:
- Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Toronto?
Now all ears in the plan are listening in to this conversation.
- Well - says the skipper.
- First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one…
Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his girlfriend some.
Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says:
- Whatcha doin' daddy?
Johnny's dad stoops over to cover-up his dick and starts looking at the floor.
- Oh I'm just looking for this big rat I saw - he says.
Little Johnny says:
- Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?
John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests. So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.
How do you kill a dumb blonde?
→ Put a scratch n' sniff sticker at the bottom of her pool.
Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.
The first one says:
- Earthling take me to your leader!
He gets no response.
The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again:
- Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!
Still no response.
The first Alien then turns to the second and says:
- If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!
The second Alien replies:
A guy goes down south to be a farmer because it's his life long dream. So he buys a piece of land and goes down there. Now all he needs are the animals. So he goes into a store and asks the clerk for a rooster to wake him up every morning.
The clerk says:
- We don't call 'em roosters, we call 'em cocks.
- Okay - the man says.
- I'll take a cock and a rabbit for the farm.
- We pronounce it rubbit - says the clerk.
- Okay, I'll take those two things and a mule to carry them home.
- We don't call 'em mules, we call 'em asses and every time the ass stops walkin', just scratch behind his ear.
So the man walks out of the store with the three animals. He's walking home when all of a sudden the mule stops.
"I'm going fishing."
→ Really means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
→ Really means "Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
→ Really means "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
→ Really means "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
→ Really means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with…
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign read "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER". The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to…
What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?
→ At least a sperm has a one in one million chance of becoming a human being.
25 rules for Women to follow:
