A Bama Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories.
A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.
- Have you been taking them regularly? - the doctor asked.
- What do you think I've been doing, - the grad said.
- Shoving them up my ass!
Lying in the hospital bed, the dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked:
- Do you have something you would like to say?
The man nodded to the affirmative, and the preist handed him a pad And pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."
Gathering his last bit of strength, the man took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, the man died.
After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife. After consoling her…
Little Johnny has to stay at Grandma's for the weekend. Being an old school gal, bathing Little Johnny with her, Grandma sees no harm. So, there they are in the shower and Johnny points to Grandma's crotch and says:
- Grandma, what's that?!?
Grandma, somewhat shocked, quickly replies:
- That's my beaver, Johnny.
"Oh, okay." And this answer seems to appease Johnny's curiousity.
Well, Johnny returns home, and one morning, Mom is running late for work. She decides that to save time, she'd bathe Johnny with her. Off to the shower, and once again, Johnny sees something not so familiar to him.
- Mom, what's that? - asks Johnny pointing to Mom's nether regions.
Taken back, Mom says:
A veterinarian got a phone call at midnight one night.
The woman on the other end of the phone said:
- My wee puppy is together with the dog from next door and I can't get them apart.
The vet asked her if she tried throwing a bucket of water on them.
She said:
- Yes, but it didn't work.
He said:
- Did you try hitting them with a broom.
She said:
- Yes, but that didn't work either.
Little Johnny is walking with his father in the park and they see two dogs locked in a sexual embrace. Little Johnny not understanding what the dogs are doing asks his father:
- Daddy, what are those two dogs doing?
To which the father replies:
- They are making a puppy!
Later that night Johnny wakes up and walks down the hall to his parents bedroom and catches his mother and father making love. Johnny asks his father:
- Daddy what are you and mommy doing?
To which the father replies:
- Johnny we are making you a little sister.
Johnny thinks for a few moments and responds:
- Well, daddy could you roll her over? I'd rather have a puppy!
Which condom would you use?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Neighbor 1: "Hi, there, new neighbor, it sure is a mighty nice day to be moving."
New Neighbor: "Yes, it is and people around here seem extremely friendly."
Neighbor 1: "So, what is it you do for a living?"
New Neighbor: "I am a professor at the University, I teach deductive reasoning."
Neighbor 1: "Deductive reasoning, what's that?"
New Neighbor: "Let me give you an example. I see you have a dog house out back. By that I deduce that you have a dog."
Neighbor 1: "That's right."
New Neighbor: "The fact that you have a dog, leads me to deduce that you have a family."
Neighbor 1: "Right again."
New Neighbor: "Since you have a famly, I deduce that you have a wife."
What do you have when you combine 50 women with a yeast infection in a room with 50 women suffering from PMS?--A wine & cheese party!
Top 15 Good Things About a Cold Winter...
The melodious clanging Anna Nicole Smith's breasts make when she walks.
BATF calls off its siege of your heavily fortified compound when agents run out of hot cocoa.
Much easier to locate nipples during foreplay.
Finally, a chance to say:
- Yeah, but it's a dry cold.
Natural refrigeration keeps vagrants crisp and fresh until Spring.
You can chill your malt liquor on the window ledge at work.
Joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid your self of those troublesome extremities.
No news clips of the President jogging for at least 8 more weeks.
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.
NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________HOME ADDRESS__________________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________ If NO, explain_____________________________________________________________________________________________Number of years…
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
- OK, follow me, - he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
- Now, do you see that tree over there? - he asked.
- YES, YES, YES!! - the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
- Good! - said the first bat.
A man who worked for a fire company came home from work one day and told his wife:
- You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're on the trucks ready to go. From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say bell 3, we're going to screw all night.
The next night he came home from work and yelled:
- Bell 1, - and his wife took off all here clothes.
- Bell 2, - and his wife jumped into bed.
- Bell3, - and they began to screw.
After 2 minutes his wife yelled:
- Bell 4.
The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer's last thoughts.
Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating.
After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.
The artist said:
- You asked for a painting of Custer's last thoughts, - he explained.
- That's it. Custer was thinking, 'Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?'
Many many years ago when I was twenty three,I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughterWho had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-lawAnd changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,Although it brought me joy,I soon became the fatherOf a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then becameA brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,Then that also made him brotherTo the widow's grown-up daughterWho, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,Who kept them on the run.
Well, one day, an idiot looking for a job finally came across a cigarette stand that was accepting anyone as there cashier. After being turned down for every job he filed for, he accepts this low paying job.
One day, a woman comes to the stand:
- Hey, sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?
- I dont know - replies the stupid cashier.
The woman leaves unsatisfied.
THe boss, having seen this goes up to him and screams:
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT KNOW, THEY COST 10 CENTS, GOD!!!!!!
- 10 cents? I will have to remember that - said the cashier.
The next day, another woman comes:
- hey sonny, how much do those cigaretts cost?
Two cannibals meet one day...
The first cannibal says:
- You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender.
The second cannibal asks:
- What kind of Missionary do you use?
The reply:
- You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.
- Ah, Ha! - the second cannibal replies.
- No wonder--those are fryers!
What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing. A termite walks into a barroom and asks, "Is the bar tender here?" Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he/she had no guts!
What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck!
Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny.
A skeleton is in a bar. He goes up to the bar. "A pint of lager and a mop please."
Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground.
"What's brown and sticky? A stick.
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
- I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head.
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
- Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me! - she told him earnestly.
- Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes - he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands…
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:--Responsibility makes me nervous.--They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn't work under those conditions.
REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:--Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.--I was working for my mom until she decided to move.--The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:--While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets…
The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates III.
Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III" means the order of third (3rd.)By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-values and adding his (III), you get the following:B.......66I.......73L.......76L.......76G.......71A.......65T.......84E.......69S.......83........3--------------.......666 !!
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?" Coincidence?
Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and total enslavement???
YOU decide!
Before you decide, consider the following:M S - D O S 6 . 2 177 83 45 68 79 83 32 54 46 50 49 = 666W I N D O W S 9 587 73 78 68 79 87 83 57 53 1 = 666Coincidence? I think…
John went to Dr. Smith because of intense migraine headaches.
The doctor tried many things, but no relief. Finally, after many visits, the doc sat down and said:
- You know, John, why don't you try something unusual. Why don't you do something that I always do when I have a headache like that. I phone my wife and tell her I'm coming home; she waits for me in the bedroom, with her blouse off, and I nestle my head between those two beautiful breasts and soon the headache disappears! You ought to try something like that--I don't know what else to do for you. It wouldn't hurt.
- Well I might try something like that - said John.
A month later, John is back in the clinic, seeing another doctor on…
This couple out on a date get a flat tire while driving along on a snowy night. They guy gets out to change the tire, but he doesn't have any gloves so before long he gets back in the car with the job half-done, his hands blue from the cold.
- Put your hands between my legs to warm them up - offers his gal. So he does, then gets out to finish the job.
It's so cold, however, that he has to come back one more time to warm his hands, again between her legs.
Finally, he finishes the job and gets back into the car, and is about to put the keys into the ignition when she asks:
- Aren't your ears cold too?
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, an hook, and an eye patch. The seaman asks:
- So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?
The pirate replies:
- We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept over board into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.
- Wow! - said the seaman.
- What about your hook?
- Well... - replied the pirate.
- We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords when one of the enemy cut my hand off.
- Incredible! - remarked the seaman.
- How did you get the eye patch?
