Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.
One boy said:
- My father is better than your father.
The other kid said:
- Well, my mother is better than your mother.
The first boy paused and then replied:
- I guess you're right. My father says the same thing.
- "Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
- "Keyboard" -- Place to hang your truck keys.
- "Window" -- Place in the truck to hang your guns.
- "Floppy" -- When you run out of Polygrip.
- "Modem" -- How you got rid of your dandelions.
- "ROM" -- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
- "Byte" -- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
- "Reboot" -- What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
- "Network" -- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.
- "Mouse" -- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case.
A bloke who was well known for his anti Italian sentiments, was walking down the street one day with a mate, when they came across a busking act, an Italian with an organ grinding monkey. Our incipient racist stunned his friend by throwing a couple of bucks into the hat.
- I thought you hated Italians? - was the comment as the friend recovered.
- Yeh, I do. But even I'll admit they're cute when they're little.
The judge said to Mickey "I can not grant you a divorce from Minney, there is no evidence that she is crazy" and Mickey said, "I didnt say she was crazy, I said she was fuckin' Goofy!"
A lady was walking down the street when a small sign in the window of a shop caught her eye. She stopped, turned back and read the sign which said:
- Clitoris licking frog available.
Checking to see that no one on the street was observing her, she hurriedly entered the shop, closing the door quickly behind her.
Inside there was a counter but no sign of activity or human presence. On the counter there was a bell with a sign on top saying:
- Please ring for service
The lady gave the bell a push. It rang but nothing happened. She hit the bell again and after a few minutes she heard a shuffling, slurping sort of sound and eventually a man emerged from a door behind the counter:
- Bonjour madame
Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to his dentist?
→ He wanted to transcend dental medication.
A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked. While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him:
- Have you done oral sex lately?
The man replied:
- Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Did you find a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?
The dentist says:
- No, not quite. You've got some shit on the end of your nose!
I love to go to the dentist. A man in white hovering over me while I'm trapped helpless in a chair. He cleans me. He flosses me. His instruments alive in my mouth.
And just when I don't think I can take it anymore, he says:
- Good girl, Marcie, you can spit now. - Marcie, from the "Married With Children" sitcom.
A numbers mob was looking for a runner to pick up betting cash in a new location (a very rich area - expected around $200,000 in cash daily). A man was chosen but never showed up with the cash. Mr. Big asked the guy in charge of finding the runner, "Where is my money." The man replied that he didn't know and said that he would find him. The man located the new runner and brought him to Mr. Big's office. Mr. Big said, "Where the fuck is my money?" The runner looked puzzled and started talking in sign language. Mr. Big said:
- What the fuck is this?
The man in charge of hiring the runner explained that he was deaf and dumb and was the only person that he could find to take the job.
Mr. Big said:
Do you suppose that it occurs to the power company that they are making a double pun when they send their bill commanding "Please Pay Current Charges"?
A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.
- Marry him anyway, dear - the Mother said.
- Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is.
A Columbia Doctor's secretary called an old farmer out my way and said:
- Your check came back.
The old man replied:
- So did my arthritis!
- Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
- Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
- Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
- You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
- Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
- My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
- Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.
- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far…
A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"
The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.
The guy asks:
- What's up with these clocks?
St. Peter explains:
- Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.
- "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
- "All generalizations are false."
- "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
- "Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
- "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
- "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
- Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
- "Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."
- "Born Free. . . . . Taxed to Death"
- "Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
- Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
- Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.
(The daughter looks puzzled.)
- Mom: That means the daddy puts his penis in mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
- Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your and daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
- Mom: Jewelry, dear.
Dear:
Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
- ( ) the tooth could not be found
- ( ) it was not a human tooth
- ( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
- ( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
- ( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
- ( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
- ( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
- My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.
- Well put - the judge replied.
- Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.
The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!
Although Cupid got all the girls hot,
a great lover himself he was not.
They would say, "Sorry, sport,
but your arrow's too short--
What we want is what Hercules' got."
Euphemism is all very well,
but if I really am going to hell,
I'd rather it be for lechery,
not for "loving the ladies too well."
Juno's measure of fury was full,
Everyone hear the news about Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty being expelled from Disneyland?
Apparently all three were co-conspirators in the kidnapping of Pinocchio.
For several days, they tied him up, and each took turns sitting on his face, telling him to lie, lie, lie!!!
[San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system.
This little old lady walks into an ice cream parlor and asks for 2 scoops of chocolate ice cream. The man behind the counter says:
- I'm sorry, we are all out of chocolate ice cream.
The lady says:
- OK, I'll take one scoop of chocolate ice cream in a cup.
The man says:
- Ma-am, we are all out of chocolate.
The little old lady says:
- OK, then I'll have a single scoop of chocolate in a cone.
The man, a little more irritated this time says:
- Ok, lady. Spell van as in vanilla.
Sighting #1: I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, "sure." The next thing I hear is, "Hey, where do you put the coffee?" I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.
Sighting #2: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly:
