Harry is on his death bed, his wife Zelda is by his side:
- Zelda, you've always been by my side
- When I broke my leg at 25; you were by my side
- When I had my first heart attack at 45; you were by my side
- When I had my second heart attack at 65; you were by my side
- When I broke my hip at 75; you were by my side
- And now when I'm dying; you are at my side............
- Zelda, you're a fucking jinx!!
A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.
As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.
One of his buddies said:
- That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects.
- Well, we were married for 25 years!
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said:
- Stop! Don't do it!
- Why shouldn't I? - he said.
I said:
- Well, there's so much to live for!
- Like what?
- Well ... are you religious or atheist?
- Religious.
- Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?
- Christian.
A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in Charge).
- Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own personal hell.
- Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?
- Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.
- Man: OK.
The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.
- Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.
The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete floors.
- Man: That looks worse, got anything left.
This rich guy from the north is driving his Lincoln Continental down to New Orleans. Along the way he picks up a redneck.
The redneck looks quizzically at the dash board and says:
- What are those thangs?
The driver says:
- Those are golf tees.
The redneck asks:
- What those are for?
The driver says:
- Those hold my balls when I drive.
The redneck says:
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
Why doesn't Santa have any children?
→ Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
What do blacks and Christmas trees have in common?
→ They both have colored balls.
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
→ You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike?
→ They both have ornamental balls.
Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other:
- I've never come this way before.
Other nun says:
- Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles.
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.
For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest... and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room:
- Time to take your temperature, General.
After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.
There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said:
- Mmmmm, I smell sausage.
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said:
- Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
The baby mole said:
- The only thing I can smell is molasses!
An American, a Jew and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
- Well - said the American:
- I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I…
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches:
- Can I help you lad?
- Yesh, Shombody shtole me car! - the Irishman replies.
The cop asks:
- Well now, where was your car last time you saw it?
- It was at the end of this key.
About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks:
- Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans:
A zebra dies goes to heaven. When checking in, he tells St. Peter:
- Say, I have always wanted to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes.
St. Peter:
- I can't answer that question...but see God walking around over there? Ask him. - Zebra to God:
- God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?
God looks at the zebra sagely and states:
- You are what you are.
Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter.
- What did He say - asks S.P.
- Oh - replies the zebra:
Deep in the woods sat a bear and a squirrel at the communal latrine.
- Hmmm - says the bear to the squirrel:
- Do you find that shit tends to stick to your fur?
- Yes it does - replies the squirrel.
- Great! - says the bear, and wipes his ass with the squirrel.
A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
- Listen - said the CEO:
- this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?
- Certainly - said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
- Excellent, excellent! - said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
- I just need one copy.
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely.
- I demand proper manners in bed - she declared:
- just as I do at the dinner table!
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets.
- Is that better? - he asked, with a hint of a smile.
- Yes - replied the girl:
- much better.
- Very good, darling - the husband whispered.
- Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy.
A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.
- As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes - said the genie:
- But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over.
The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones.
- Let's see. My first wish is... - He looked at his weather beaten bungalow:
- ...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.
The man shouted:
- What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there.
The prostitute snapped back:
- What do you want to do, knit or fuck?
Bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him.
- Bartender: Hey pal, is something wrong?
- The Guy: Yeah, I'm really depressed
- Bartender: Why, what's the matter?
- The Guy: I caught my wife in bed with my best friend
- Bartender: Wow, that's horrible. What did you do?
- The Guy: I kicked her out of the house, sent her packing, it's over
- Bartender: That's pretty drastic, what did you do to your best friend?
- The Guy: I sat him down, tied him up, looked him straight in the eye and said, Bad Dog! Bad Dog!
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him…
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
- Don't be afraid, darling - said the man:
- Wait until I tell you about this.
- Get out of here! - cried his wife:
- And take that sex maniac with you!
