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THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
11. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
12. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
13. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
14. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
15. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
16. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
17. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
18. Less guilt the next morning.

A Rolls Royce pulls up in front of a really expensive restaurant and a really rich sheik gets out from it followed by a harem of women, and a rooster. The "party" is escorted to a table and given a menu.

When time to order the sheik orders for himself and the harem, and also asks for a basket of apples for the rooster. The waiter thinks it a bit strange, but does as is asked, and brings the apples for the rooster. One by one, the rooster eats all of the apples. Having noticed this, the sheik orders another basket of apples for the rooster. Again the rooster eats all the apples.

When summoned again, the waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster.

The sheik explains:

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' X 10' cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6' X 8' cubicle.

In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

At work you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

Little Martin is four years old. One day while he was pestering his mother, she said:

- Why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work, maybe you will learn something.

Martin was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him what he had learned.

Martin replied:

- Well first you put the goddamn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't fit so you have to take the cock sucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker back up.

Martin's mother said:

- Wait until your father gets home.

When Martin's father got home, Martin's mum told him to ask Martin what he had learnt today. When Martin told him the whole story, dad said:

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito…

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect):

- If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was…

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car followed by a large cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, and rang the door bell. A farmer appeared.

The man, somewhat nervously said:

- I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him.

- Suit yourself - the farmer replied, the hens are round the back.

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language, natch).

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a solution.

- Honey - she signs,

- Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife:

- Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on…

Welcome to EBONICS 101

Herein follow a few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar...

- Damn- that shit is DOPE!

→ That is a wonderful concept/object/action.

- Can't FADE that.

→ I am unable to comprehend or assimilate that concept at this time.

- Shante ain't havin' it.

→ This is not something that Shante will allow to occur.

- Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats.

→ Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music.

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriend Plus 1.0 (marketing name: Fiance 1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiance 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and it's a memory hogger: has taken up all his space.

Wife 1.0 must be running before he can do anything and seems to conflict/interfere with other tasks running such as hockey 2.1, squash 3.01 and boys out 1.2. Although he didn't ask for them, Wife 1.0 came with auto-installed Plug-Ins such as Mother In Law and Brother In Law.

Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend 4.0...

• A "Don't remind me again" button
• Minimize button
• Shutdown feature
• An install shield feature so that Girlfriend 4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so…

Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine.

They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they…

- Man: God, my girlfriend is so pretty and has such pretty hair.

- God: I know, I made her that way so you would love her.

- Man: God, she has such beautiful blue eyes.

- God: I know I made them for her so you would love her.

- Man: There is only one thing wrong with her. She is a little dense.

- God: I know.. I made her that way so she could love YOU!

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I have seven, but one which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited by the clergy regularly.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who was missing is dead.

This is my ninth child. What are you going to do about it?

Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't eat or do anything until he knows for sure.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is as…

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.

The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.

Then he yelled:

- Pull, Nellie, pull.

Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled:

- Come on, pull Ranger.

Still, Benny didn't move.

Then he yelled really loud:

- Now pull, Fred, pull hard.

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could:

- I'm afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.

- So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy? - asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied:

- Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven.

Little Lucy seemed to take her Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had…

In a long line of people, one guy suddenly starts massaging the back of the person in front of him, the person turned and asked, what the hell you are doing?

- Well - said the guy massaging the back, you see I'm a chiropractor and I can't help massaging your back, in fact I can't help practicing my art

- Are you crazy? - the other guy said:

- I'm a lawyer, am I fucking the guy in front of me!

Lady Diana and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says:

- Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity.

St. Peter thanks Dolly, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

St. Peter says:

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded:

- Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arky said to the doctor:

- I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me.

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he…

Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well and soon Bert suggested they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity.

Well it wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love though, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out.

When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said:

- I must of been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out.

Flo looked at him and smiled:

- That usually happens when you forget to remove my pantyhose!

A greenhorn visiting Alaska was talking to two old sourdoughs. They informed him he was a cheechako. The greenhorn asked how he could become a sourdough.

The two sourdoughs winked at each other, and told him he had to do three things. First, he had to pee in the Yukon River. Second, he had to wrestle with a grizzly bear. And last, he had to make love to an Athabascan Indian woman.

"No problem," said the cheechako, and off he went. He hired himself a guide, and soon had dispatched his first duty. Then they found the grizzly bear.

The cheechako chased the bear into a cave. The most awful roaring and screaming emitted from that cave, along with blood and fur.

A Priest gets a call from one of his golfing buddies on a Saturday afternoon. "We've got a tee time at 3:00 and need a fourth...can you make it?"

Sadly the priest tells his friend that he has to hear confessions and cannot make it. His friend urges him to get a substitute. Well, being the only priest in this parish, he hasn't many choices. As he ponders his dilemma, he sees the custodian cleaning the church.

"Hey, Joe...can you help me out??" He explains his dilemma and asks Joe if he would hear confessions for him.

"Oh, no I wouldn't have any idea what to do!!".

"Joe, don't worry... I have this card, you see. When someone confesses their sin, you look on the card...find the sin...and follow it…

You know you're Castle Trash if......

• Your shroud of Turin is painted on velvet
• Your daughter's chastity belt has rusted
• You can't afford a cod piece................nobody notices
• You have more sheep dogs than sheep
• You sold your only horse to buy that jousting lance you just had to have...
• The plague improved your complexion...........but only for a little while
• The Pope sends you to the Crusades...........in Norway
• Your armor is made from that foil that came with your chewing gum
• Your wife is stronger than your plow horse...but the horse is prettier

Relationships: First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled, "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I…