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The most successful lawyer in town had never made a contribution to the Red Cross. The chairman of the Red Cross, Mr. Wilson, called on the lawyer, hoping to convince him to make a donation.

- You made over $600,000 last year but you haven't given anything back to the community. How do you reconcile that?

The lawyer sighed, leaned forward and said:

- If you only knew...

- My mother is terminally ill; her medical bills far exceed her income. My brother is a disabled veteran, blind and in a wheelchair.

- My sister is raising three children alone since her husband died in an auto accident.

Mr. Wilson offered his sympathy, admitting he had no idea there were so many demands on the lawyer's profits.

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.

I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.

I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.

How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive"?

- Olive ?

- Yeah, you know:

- Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names

What do you call an outhouse built on quicksand?
→ Trapper John

How do you catch a polar bear?
→ You dig a hole in the ice and place peas all around it, and when the polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!

10. Could our relationship be more physical?? I'm tired of being just friends.
11. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
12. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
13. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
14. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpit are just to too cute.
15. This diamond is just way too big.
16. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
17. Wow!! It really is 14 inches.
18. Does this make my butt look too small??
19. I'm wrong, you must be right again..

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help:

- Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says:

- I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned.

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother:

- Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face…

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
→ Because it's too far to walk!

Why did the snowman have a smile on his face?
→ Because the snowblower was coming down the block.

What do CIA agents have to remember to go to the bathroom?
→ The ZIP Code.

What did the raccoon say in his will?
→ "Leave it to Beaver."

Name a fawn, a lawn and a yawn.
→ Bambi, the White House grounds, and the new TV season.

Name a clock, a jock and a crock.
→ Big Ben, Joe Nameth and the candidates' campaign promises.

What do you use to fry a peter?
→ Peter Pan.

What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?
→ Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.

Name two words that have no meaning.
→ Supercalifragilisticexpialodocious and detente.

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....

- Man: What's the problem officer?

- Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

- Man: No sir, I was going 65.

- Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

- Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

- Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

- Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]

• If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• He who hesitates is probably right.
• Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
• The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
• The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Notification to all members regarding language use during seminar.

It has been brought to the attention of senior members that some individuals have been using bad language during discussions at the seminar. Due to complaints from some of our easily offended members, this type of language will no longer be accepted or tolerated.

However, we realise the importance of members being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with each other. With this in mind, our human resources committee has compiled a list of phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offending our more sensitive members.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts:

- Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!

The panda yells back at the bartender:

- Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

- A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time?
→ Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.

A man was walking by and said:

- WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!

The sister said:

- Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain.

The man said:

- But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish.

The sister said:

- Oh, ok.

The Sister took the fish back home and said:

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him:

- You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.

The frog is thrilled:

- This is great!

- Will I meet her at a party? - he croaks.

- No, - says the psychic - in biology class.