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A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and said:

- I haven't eaten anything in four days.

She looked at him and said:

- God, I wish I had your willpower.

Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would-be Romeo asked:

- What kind of man are you attracted to?

- I've always been drawn to Native American men - she replied.

- They're in harmony with nature.

- I see - said the man, nodding.

- But, then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal, and I can rarely resist the way Southern gentlemen treat their ladies with respect.

- Please allow me to introduce myself - said the man.

- My name is Tecumseh Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba.

A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.

Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down.

After this goes on for awhile, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells:

- You need more tail.

The guy turns to his son and says:

- Son, I never will understand women. I just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite!

They are:

- Her Doctor; he says - Take your clothes off.

- Her Dentist; he says - Open wide.

- Her Veterinarian; he says - And how is your little pussy doing today?

- Her Gardener; he says - Do you want me to mulch your bush?

- Her Hairdresser; he says - Do you want it teased or blown?

- Her Interior Decorator; he says - You'll like it once it's in.

- Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats what he shoots.

- Her Remodeler; he says - It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering.

- Her Milkman; he says - Do you want it in front or in back?

The bachelor who complained that the women he selected would not remain his friend for more than a few weeks was told:

- Your problem is that you are looking for a particular kind of woman.

- You ought to be looking for the kind of woman who is not particular.

A lonely divorcee was driving home from work one evening when she saw a man trying to hitch a ride. She picked him up and they got to talking:

- What do you do? - she asked him.

- I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife.

- Oh, does that mean you are available?

An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy.

- Well, - thought the manager - I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep.

To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)

The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.

The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.

The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local…

I think it was in Britain where a billboard advertising a car read:

- If this car was a woman, she'd get pinched in the butt.

Underneath which a graffiti read:

- If this woman was a car, she'd run you over.

My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really points up some of the differences between the sexes.

We were watching CNN's Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came on.

Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that Virtual Reality would never catch on with women.

I was puzzled by this, until she explained:

- Every woman's first thought on seeing that helmet will be, 'I can't wear that. It will mess up my hair!'

A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself:

- Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchical society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat, and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says:

- Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already!

10. Lower auto insurance premiums.
11. Easier to get job because of hiring quotas.
12. Cleaner restrooms.
13. Tired of boring men's fashions and wants something new and exciting.
14. Women live longer.
15. Can get easily picked up in bars.
16. Really likes the guy next door but knows that he is not gay.
17. Failed to make the MEN'S U.S. Olympic Ski Team.
18. Wants to be an assistant to Clarence Thomas to find out if "it's really true".

And the number 1 reason why John is officially becoming a woman:

1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for nothing.

If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not understanding.

If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a man.

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing.

If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a dull boy.

If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her.

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she thinks you do not…

Definition of a Wife:
(B)eautiful
(I)ntelligent
(T)alented
(C)harming
(H)omemaker

This guy is setting at a bar, and he's had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no. The guy is pretty upset by this and persists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally the guy asks:

- Well isn't there anything that you can give me?

The bartender says:

- I've got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs.

The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch. The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home. On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says:

- Sure I can talk!

This is a quiz to see if you should be considered a 'professional smart person' by your friends. You can scroll down for answers. There are 4 questions. They are not that difficult.

1. How do you put an elephant into a refridgerator?
   → Open the door, put in the elephant, and close the door.

2. How do you put a giraffe into a refridgerator?
   → Open the door, take out the elephant, put in the giraffe, and close the door.

3. The animals are having an animal meeting. All the animals attend except for one. Which one does not attend?
   → The giraffe. The giraffe is in the refridgerator.

4. You must cross a crocodile-infested river. How do you manage it?

Why did God create lesbians?
→ So feminists wouldn't breed.

Why did God give woman nipples?
→ To make suckers out of men.

What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
→ A snowman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowwoman you have to hollow out the head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make her breasts!

What is the difference between a pitbull dog and a PMS woman?
→ Lipstick.

What is the difference between a terrorist and a PMS woman?
→ You can negotiate with the terrorist.

How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?
→ It's the one with bite marks on the cap.

Why do men fart more than women?
→ Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Why did the woman cross the road?
→ Who cares? What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?!!

How do you blind a woman?
→ Put a windshield in front of her face!