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What happens when a man tries to hide his baldness by combing his hair across his head?
→ The truth comes shining through.

How do most men compare to Mel Gibson?
→ They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks.

Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.

Discoverer: Adam
Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties:
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!

Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
→ Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.

How could Will Rogers say:

- I never met a man I didn't like?

→ He never had to date one.

How can you tell if a man you're dating is lazy?
→ He throws his kisses.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
→ Slow.

What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars?
→ Dumbbells.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
→ They're married.

What are the only two kinds of men?
→ Studs and duds.

What do men have difficulty retaining?
a) a job
b) a budget
c) a promise
d) a secret
e) a friendship
f) a marriage
g) an anniversary date
h) a 30-minute erection
i) all of the above

How do some men avoid making a wrong career move?
→ They never get a job!

What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
→ An insurance company.

Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?
→ Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.

What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
→ Any place without a drive-up window.

Why do so few men end up in heaven?
→ They never stop to ask for directions.

The men who do make it to Heaven are going to have a rude awakening up there when they find out two things: God is a woman...and she nailed down all of Heaven's toilet seats!

If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
→ Shoot the lawyer twice.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
→ Cut the rope.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
→ The bucket.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
→ Stick his bill up his ass!

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
→ A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked:

- How much is 2 + 2?

The housewife replies:

- Four!

The accountant says:

- I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice:

- How much do you want it to be?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.

- Tim, you be first - she said.

- What does your mother do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said:

- She's a doctor.

- That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said:

- My father is a mailman.

- Thank you, Amie - said the teacher.

- What about your father, Billy?

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said:

- I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?

St. Peter replied:

- Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!