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You know you're a redneck if your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.

You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the dump and bring back more than you took.

"Three Men And A Baby"
→ What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.

A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show.

The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced during the operation.

The transexual replied:

- Well, when they cut my penis off, that really didn't hurt too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either....

- Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?

- Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in my head and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!

You know you're a redneck when you lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off it's wheels.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?
→ So oxygen can get to their brains.

What is the average number of times in a bachelor's life that his bed is made?
→ Once, when it was still in the factory.

You know you're a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

You know you're a redneck if you had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

You know you're a redneck when you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What men know about women.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
→ He eats beans for dinner.

A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae West
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West
I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. - Mae West
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. - Mae West
Men become old, but they never become good. - Oscar Wilde
A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun; he sizes all the cuties up and never Mrs. One.

Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.

Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?

Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women. Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.

Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

What's the definition of a perfect woman?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.

One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam was sitting by himself.

- Where's Eve? - He asked.

- Well, - said Adam - She started to bleed. This happens every month or so.

- So where is she? - asked God.

- Well, she went down to the river to wash up. - replied Adam.

- Darn, - said God - Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish!

Etiquette and Behavior

- EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's

- EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas (Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)

- EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right

- EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company

- EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother

- EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother

- EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary

General Electives

- GE101: You, The Whining Sex

And God Created The Woman

He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors: His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.

He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and comments.

The Carpenter says:

- Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out.

God replies:

- No I like it that way, but thanks

Then the Tailor says:

- Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them.

God replies:

When God made man, he made him out of string.
He had a little left, so he left a little thing.

When God made woman, he made her out of lace.
He didn't have enough, so he left a little space.

These two Polaks are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies:

- Those ones were pointed on the wrong end.

The buddy gets exasperated and says...:

- You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!

Three men were all applying for the same job as a detective. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Rather than ask the standard questions during the interview, the chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked:

- Who killed Jesus Christ?

The Jewish man answered without hesitation:

- The Romans killed him.

The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied:

- Jesus was killed by the Jews.

Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked the…

An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes.

For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth.

The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.

After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to…

In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy. Unfortunately, she couldn't come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.

I don't think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a reporter, "As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top."

A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.

An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate.

They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him:

- Get out of our lives you rascal.

- We'll teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too.