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Why did the Polak cross the road?
→ He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a Walleye and called it a Kowal.

It grew to a nice size and reproduced well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and called it a Kowalski but it was so stupid they had to teach it how to swim.

These two Polish guys rent a boat and go fishing in a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish that they caught that day, so one says to the other:

- We'll have to come back here tomorrow!

The other asks:

- But how will we remember where this spot is?

The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says:

- We'll just look for this X tomorrow.

The other guy says:

- You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?

Did you hear in the news that a 747 recently crashed in a cemetery in Poland?

The Polish officials have so far retrieved 2000 bodies

A Pole, English, and French guy are running away from the German soldiers when they come up to a forest and they decide to hide by each climbing a tree. When the Germans arrive, they go to the first tree where the English guy is, and shout:

- We know you're up there; come down.

The English guy, thinking fast, says:

- Twit, twit, twit...

The Germans, thinking that it's a bird, move on to the next tree where the French guy is and once again shout:

- We know you're up there; come down.

The French guy, thinking fast, says:

- Woo, woo, woo...

The Germans, thinking that it's an owl, move on to the next tree where the Polish guy is and once again shout:

- We know you're up there; come down.

An English guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working.

He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car.

The English guy turns on the turn signal and asks:

- Is it working?

To which the Polish guy responds:

- Yes, it's working....

- No, it's not working....

- Yes, it's working....

- No, it's not working....

After WWII, two Poles returned to their destroyed village to locate the first one's wife. Going through the rubble, Victor came across a dismembered arm and called over:

- Hey, Stanley, wasn't this Anya's arm? I think this is the wristwatch you gave her.

- I dunno, Victor - said Stanley, and they continued the search.

A little while later, Victor came across a severed leg.

- Stanley, couldn't this be part of Anya? She had great legs.

Stanley shrugged and they walked on.

Finally the energetic Victor came across a woman's head, which he held out at arm's length for his friend's inspection.

- Nope - said Stanley at last.

- Anya was a lot taller.

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Polak, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German:

- What do you want on your back for your whipping?

The German responds:

- I will take oil!

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Polak:

- What do you want on your back?

- I will take nothing! - says the Polak, and he stands there straight and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.

- What will you take on your back? - the Amazons ask the American.

He responds:

How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?
→ They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving!

What happens when a Polak doesn't pay his garbage bill?
→ They stop delivering.

This Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting:

- honey I am home!

What should he see but his best friend in bed with his wife.

Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing.

- Don't laugh! - he screams.

- You're next!

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says:

- Help me, help me.

But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her.

Replies the elephant:

- Anything! Anything!

So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant.

Says the elephant:

- Ouch!

Says the ant, in his own little frenzy:

- Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!

How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
→ He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.

How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
→ Turn off the carousel.

A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance.

- I will give you three questions - said the coach.

- If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team.

- Fair enough! - said the Polak eagerly.

The coach proceeded:

- Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'

Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said:

- So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?

The Polak said:

- Two!

A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said:

- Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?

The priest laughed:

- Because, my son, I am a Father!

The Polak scratched his head:

- But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!

Again the priest laughed:

- But I am a Father of thousands!

To which the Polak replied:

- Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!

A Polak went to a carpenter and said:

- Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?

- Hmm... - mused the carpenter.

- It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?

- Well, you see - said the Polak.

- my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose.

Did you hear about the latest Polish invention?

It's a solar-powered flashlight.

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.

A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.

One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe…

A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The Polak understood and was ready.

The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying…

An Italian, an American, and a Polak were captured by the French for various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine.

The executioner places the Italian on the block and asks if he has any last words. The Italian replies:

- I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may live.

They drop the blade it it stops a mere inch above the Italian's neck. Amazed, the French let him go.

Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any final words. He replies:

- In the name of Jesus Christ, please have mercy.

They drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the American's neck. In disbelief, they let him go free.

Then the Polak is placed on the block, and they ask if he has any last words.

He says:

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Polak were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison. However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said:

- I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away.

The Englishman says:

- I'll have five years' supply of beer!

His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer.

The Frenchman says:

- I'll have five years' supply of brandy!

His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his brandy.

The Polak says:

- I'll have five years' supply of cigarettes!

A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

- Excuse me, but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want? - he says, taking the guy aside.

- Maybe I can help a leetle beet, - says the Frenchman. - What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You…

A Journalist has to write a story on the lack of meat in Poland. So he goes off to Poland and asks the people:

- Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?

All the Poles reply:

- Meat? What is meat?

Seeing he cannot get an answer in Poland he goes to the USSR and asks the Soviets:

- Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?

All the Soviets reply:

- Think? What is think?

Seeing he cannot get an answer in the USSR he goes to the USA and asks the Americans:

- Excuse me, what do you think of the lack of meat in Poland?

One Russian and one Polish workman were digging the foundations for a new road. After several hours of hard toil, the Polish guy hits his shovel on something hard in the ground.

Both men work hurriedly to dig the object out and discover that its a treasure chest. On opening it they find jewels, coins, gold etc. beyond their wildest dreams. Both are wild with happiness and dance around madly.

When they have calmed down, the Russian takes the Polish workman's hand and ernestly says:

- Sir, we will share this just like Russian - Polish comrades should

and the Polish guy says:

- Oh no, 50 - 50!