How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
→ She threw it off of a cliff.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
→ She fell out of the tree.
How did the blonde die, drinking milk?
→ The cow stepped on her.
How did the blonde burn her nose?
→ Bobbing for french fries.
Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
→ The instructions stated, "good for up to 20 pounds".
A man walks in for a sale rep job. He is very qualitfied, but he has a nervous twitch, and his left eye is always winking. So he speaks with the manager and the manager says:
- Well sir, you are very well qualified for the job, but people have to be comfortable around a sales rep. and that eye thing is really freaky.
The man smiles and says:
- Oh that, I just take some Tylenol and it goes away.
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom, he takes several more condoms out and finally finds some Tylenol. He takes two Tylenol and the eye twitch goes away. The manager frowns:
- Sir, I'm sorry but our company does not like womanizers. I don't like the look of all those condoms.
Why did God give deers eyes?
→ I have no eye-deer!
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
(From a machine at a college dorm:)
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John:
If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper…
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
- Horn broken, watch for finger.
- My kid had sex with your honor student.
- If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished.
- I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
- I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- Keep honking, I'm reloading.
- Hang up and drive.
These three scientists decided to go fishing one day. So they packed up all of their gear and headed down to the lake.
They were having terrible luck, they weren't catching a thing. But all the sudden, one of the scientists feels a pull at his line. He shouts out:
- I got something, I got something!
So he reels his catch in and much to his surprise, it's a Mermaid. She tells the scientists:
- If you let me go, I will grant you each one wish.
Well they think that's a pretty good deal, so they agree.
The first scientist, the one who caught the Mermaid, tells her:
- I want you to double my IQ.
The Mermaid says, no problem. Snaps her fingers, and suddenly he's solving all of these problems they had…
One day a man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle, when he opened it up a genie poped out. The genie said he could have one wish. The man thought about it a while then told the man that he was afraid of heights and got sea sick, but really wanted to go to Hawaii so he asked the genie to make a highway to Hawaii.
- I don't know - said the genie - that is really difficult. Do you have another request?
- Well, I really want to know all about women, you know, how they tick and why their the way they are!
The genie replied:
- Will that be two lanes or four?
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...
I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
The following phrase:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
Coincidence? I think not!
A guy walks into a store to buy brains. He asks the woman behind the counter how much each of the brains cost. They saleswoman tells him:
- $5/gram for women's brains, $20/gram for dog's brains, and $100/gram for men's brains.
So the guy is surprised with the varying prices, and he asks the saleswoman:
- How come men's brain's are so much more expensive than women's brains or dog's brains?
And the saleswoman replies:
- Are you kidding!?!?!?!? Do you know how many men it takes to get a gram of brains????
What's the definition of a lesbian?
→ A woman doing a man's job better again!
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him:
- I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.
Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied:
- You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.
The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket &…
A visitor to the vatican met with the Pope and noticed a red phone sitting on his desk.
- What's that for? - he asked.
- Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord - said the Pope.
The visitor said:
- Wow, how much is a call?
The Pope answered:
- $2,000 per minute.
A few days later the same visitor met the Israeli Prime Minister and noticed a red phone on his desk.
- What's that for? - he asked.
- Oh, that's the direct line to the Lord - said the Prime Minister.
A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said:
- If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop.
The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said:
- Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops.
She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.
The man said:
- Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!
Finally, the girl turned and said:
- Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!
Why did the carload of lesbians get to San Francisco faster than the carload of gays?
→ The lesbians got there lickety-split, while the gays where still packing there shit.
90% of Fords are still on the road. The other 10% made it home! (you know, Fords - Fix or Repair Daily)
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
- I assume - she snarled - that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?!
- There is - he replied.
- Breakfast!
Why do women have smaller feet than men??
→ So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!
The dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door... which do you let in first?
→ The dog of course, at least he'll shut up once he's inside!
What do you call a woman with 2 brain cells?
→ Pregnant
What do you call a woman that has lost 95% of her intelligence?
→ Divorced
What is the difference in a Knights of Columbus and a Shriner?
→ A Knight is once a knight, always a Knight and the Shriners argue that once a night is enough for anyone!
I, Caesar, when I heard of the fame
To Cleopatra I straightway laid claim
Ahead of my legions I invaded her regions
I saw, I conquered, I came!
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart along with this note:
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing…
I like to hang out around the playground, just watching the kids running and screaming. They don't know I'm just using blanks.
One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said:
- All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!
As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company's…
Tom's dream was to marry a sweet, innocent virgin.
He'd been going with Jane for a few months, when he decided to test her. As they drove along in the car, he unzipped his fly, turned to her and said:
- Do you want to see my wee-wee?
She yelled:
- No! No! Please zip up your fly!
Instead of being annoyed, Tom was happy.
On the eve of their engagement to be married, he tried the same thing, with the same result. Finally, on their wedding night, they were alone in the hotel room when he unzipped his fly again and said to her:
- Honey, now that we're married you can now look at what I've got here - and proceeded to take out his dick.
She looked at it and said:
- Oh, what a sweet looking wee-wee!
