A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
- Listen to this - he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.
- Yeah - his wife nodded, and it has your weight wrong, too!
Why did the blonde have lipstick on her stearing wheel?
→ She was trying to blow the horn!
How does the brain communicate with the nerves?
→ With a Cell phone!
Clinton and Gore went to a diner to get a bite to eat.
A good looking waitress comes up and asks:
- Can I take your order?
Clinton says:
- Yes, I like a quickie!
She turns a little red and say:
- Sir, in your present state of affairs I don't think you should even be suggesting something like that. I will come back when you are ready to order from the MENU!
As she walks away Gore leans over and says:
- Bill, its pronounced quiche.
I took one of those viagra tablets the other day, it got stuck in my throat and I had a stiff neck for about eight hours!
January 1, 2000
Dear (enter employee name here)
Re: Vacation Pay
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off.
One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
I was in las Vegas, when a man walked up to me and:
- sir do you have a extra $20.00, my wife needs an operation that costs $1000.00. I have $980.00 and just need the last $20.00
Well I thought about, when I ask the man, how will I know that you are going to walk into that casino and gamble it away.
Well the man replied:
- No sir... I have money for gambling.
There was an old man in a bar who was staring at a punk in the corner. The punk had multicolored, spiked hair and multicolored feather earings.
After a while the punk got mad and said to the old man:
- What are you staring at?
- Back when I was in the army I got really drunk one night and fucked a parrot. I was wondering if you were my son.
- Man: Haven't we met before?
- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.
- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
- Man: Is this seat empty?
- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
- Man: Your place or mine?
- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
- Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
- Woman: It's in the phone book.
- Man: Haven't we met before?
- Woman: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic.
- Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
- Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.
- Man: Is this seat empty?
- Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
- Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
- Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?
- Man: Your place or mine?
- Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
- I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. - Dolly Parton
- I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. - Roseanne
- My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. - Rita Rudner
- He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant - Carol Leifer
- I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. - Wendy Liebman
- I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne
- I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How…
A man hears a knock at his door, opens it but doesn't see anyone.
He glances down, sees a snail there and being the conscientious gardener he is, tosses the snail across the road, into a field, away from his property.
Ten years go by, and one day the man hears a knock at the door, but once again, doesn't find anyone there when he answers.
He looks down, sees a snail there.
The snail looks up at him, and in a tiny voice demands:
- WHAT WAS THAT FOR?
A man calls his lawyers office. When the receptionist answers the phone he asks to speak to Mr. Taylor, his lawyer.
The receptionist replies:
- I'm sorry, but Mr. Taylor died last week.
The man says nothing and hangs up the phone.
The next day he calls the office and again asks for Mr. Taylor. The receptionist says:
- Sir, I told you yesterday that Mr. Taylor has died.
The man again says nothing and hangs up the phone.
The next day he calls the office again and asks for his lawyer. The receptionist gets angry and says:
- Sir, I have told you for two days that Mr. Taylor has passed away. Why do you continue to call?
The man then answers:
Two polish guys walk into a bar and sit down on the stools. All of a sudden, they start masturbating furiously, until the bar owner comes along and screams, "HEY, what the FUCK are you guys doing?!".. and one of the guys says, "the sign says: FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE"
What is Monica's favorite chinese food?
→ Cream of sum young guy.
What did the salad say when the cabbage interrupted their meal?
→ Lettuce alone!
In the United States alone, there are over 10,000 cases of battered women.
And to think... all this time, I have been eating mine plain!
What goes "errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh, errr, ohhh"?
→ A blonde at a blinking red light!
What do you call a blonde that dies her hair Brown?
→ Artificial intelligence!
What is green, has four legs, and smells like Monica Lewinsky?
→ The pool table in the oval office!
The president was trying to keep his presidential promise by putting more women on his staff.
If your wife comes out of the kitchen and starts complaining, what does that mean?
→ Her chain is to long!
BANNED CHILDREN'S BOOKS
- Dad's New Wife Timothy
- Pop! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games
- How to Become the Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School
- Safe Sex and the Zip-Lock Bag
- Testing Homemade Parachutes With Nothing At All But Your Household Pets
- Egghead - and Other Things Mrs. Dumpty Gave Humpty
- The Complete Set Of "Mother Got Goosed" Nursery Rhymes
- Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures
- The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad
A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her.
- Don't let me spoil a good time for you, - she said.
After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.
After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself:
- I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.
She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize…
What did 1 strawberry say to another?
→ If you weren't so fresh you wouldn't be in this jam!
