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- Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- I wannup.

- I wannup who?

- You do! I didn't need to know that!

Why does Hillary Clinton Wake Up At 5:30 Every Morning?
→ To Make Sure That She Is The First Lady!

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to deuls with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down thin narrow aisles.

A few weeks before Christmas a very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made "Tickle Me Elmo" dolls.

It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part, but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the…

A farmer is sitting on the front porch of his house one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

- Hey kid! - the farmer says:

- where ya goin' with that wire?

- Well - the kid drawls:

- this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here's chicken wire. I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!

- You can't catch chickens with chicken wire! - says the farmer.

- Sure I can! - the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens caught in his chicken wire.

Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

Daffynition: Hummingbird - A bird who forgot the lines to a song!

The head nun at the convent says:

- I found a pair of men's underwear under my desk!

Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes:

- Heh, heh, heh...

She says:

- And I found a used condom on my desk!

Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes:

- Heh, heh, heh...

She says:

- And there was a huge tear in the condom!

- Knock, knock.

- Who's there?

- Dwayne.

- Dwayne who?

- DWAYNE THE TUB! I'M DWOWNING!

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?

- Ketchup.

- Ketchup who?

- Catch up with me and I'll tell you!

True story: A friend's mom was driving in Canada. She was going through a park area. She sped up. Suddenly, she was pulled over by a park ranger. She decided to see if she could be cute and get herself out of a speeding ticket. When the officer approached her car, she asked innocently:

- Gee, officer, did you pull me over to give me a ticket to the policemen's ball?

To that, he replied:

- No ma'am. We're Rangers! We don't have any balls! He continued to write down some information.

After about a half a minute, the ranger looked up, turned red, and muttered:

- Never mind. He closed his ticket book, got in his car, and drove off - no ticket was issued.

What happens when you give Viagra to a Lawyer?
→ He gets taller!

Why are felines the best ever animals?
→ Because they're purrrrrrrfect and grrrrrreat!

How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
→ Four - one to hold the bulb, and three to drink till the room spins!!

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate:

- Bring me my red shirt!

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed:

- Bring me my red shirt!

And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both…

A guy was driving his car at the speed of 80 mph when he saw the flashing red and blue lights.

Thinking that the cop might not be able to catch him, he accelerated to 110 mph. He finally came to some sense and pulled over to the side. The cop stepped out, took his license and examined it without a word. He looked at the driver and said:

- I've had a tough shift and this is my last pullover. I don't feel like doing anymore paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!

The driver blinked only once while his brain scramble for a reply.

- Last week my wife ran off with a cop - he said:

- and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!

A young lady is in the hospital for an operation.

She says:

- Doc, how long after my operation will I have to wait until I can have sex again?

He says:

- You know, Miss Stukowski, you're the first person who ever asked me that before a tonsillectomy!

My father and mother were recently celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. While cutting the cake, my mother was moved after seeing my father's eyes fill with tears. Mother took his arm, and looked at him affectionately.

- I never knew you were so sentimental - she whispered.

- No, no - he said, choking back his tears:

- that's not it at all.

Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?

- Yes - my mother replied.

- I remember it like yesterday.

- Well - said my father:

- today I would have be a free man!

Redneck's Ode to a Valentine

Kudzu is green.
My Dog's name is Blue.
And I'm so danged lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk,
A-flappin' in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass

Redneck Driver's License Application...

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________
First name: [] Billy-Bob [] Bobby-Sue [] Billy-Joe [] Bobby-Jo [] Billy-Ray [] Bobby-Ann [] Billy-Sue [] Bobby-Lee [] Billy-Mae [] Bobby-Ellen [] Billy-Jack [] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: []M []F [_]None
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: [] Farmer [] Mechanic [] Hair Dresser [] Waitress [] Un-employed [] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________

A Little Boy Comes Running Into The Room and Says:

- Grandpa! Grandpa! Can You Make A Sound Like A Frog?

The Grandpa says:

- I Don't Know, Why?

The Little Boy Says:

- Because Grandma Says As Soon As You Croak, We Can Go To Disneyland!

There's a man and his wife who own a pub, and have a dog called Fido, who's 24, which is very old for a dog. One day the dog tragically dies, and they bury him but keep his tail separate as a memorial.

That night, the man hears a strange noise and rushes downstairs to find the dog's ghost, demanding for his tail back.

The man was just about to give the tail back when the wife rushed down and said:

- Don't give it back! Don't give it back!

- Why? - asked the man.

- You're not allowed to retail spirits after 12:00!

Did you here Mr. Clean is in the hospital? He has ammonia.

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?
→ A doyouthinkhesaurus!

If a tree falls in a forest, and lands on a mime... does anyone care?

Do you know why Polish men, when they go to sleep, bring one glass full of water and one cup empty?

It's because they doesn't know if they'll be thirsty or not.