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Your momma's so stupid, she looked over a glass wall!

Whats a lesbian dinosaur?
→ A lickalotofpuss !

Whats a gay dinosaur?
→ A lickdicknopuss !

And then there was the boxing referee who used to work for NASA; everytime a fighter would go down, he'd start counting "10, 9, 8...."

There was a Pope who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.

As the Pope approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace.

- Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven.

- You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said:

- Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said:

- I do... Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said:

- I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said:

- Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start…

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem, knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them... "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

A lady says to her doctor:

- My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything.

The doctor examines her, and then says:

- You need an operation.

She asks:

- On my vagina?

He says:

- No. On your nose!

A Geography teacher stands in front of a map of the world.

- Geography Teacher: Tony, can you tell me where in the world America is placed on this map?

Tony shows him America.

- Geography Teacher: Now, Lisa, can you tell me the name of the guy who discovered America?

- Lisa: Tony did!!

A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says:

- You have to take a Breathalyzer test.

The guy says:

- I can't. I have asthma, and it'll start me on a coughing fit.

The cop says:

- Then I have to give you a blood test.

The guy says:

- You can't. I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place.

The cops says:

- Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line.

Do you know why Iraq's navy has glass bottomed ships?
→ So the sailors can see their air force!

A frog walks into his local bank and walks up to the counter.

- I would like a loan of £30,000 please. - he asks the clerk, whose name is Patrick Whack.

- Thirty thousand pounds? That's a lot of money, you know. - says Paddy:

- You'll need a collateral for that amount of money.

- That's okay - says the frog:

- I have this.

And he pulls out of his pocket a tiny pink ceramic elephant.

- What's this? I can't accept this as collateral.

- Don't worry - says the frog:

- I know the manager, he's a good friend of mine. Tell him his friend Kermit Jagger is here.

How do you castrate a hillbilly?
→ Kick his sister in the mouth!

How did a Blonde try to kill a bird ??
→ She through it out of the window !!

- Boy #1: Hey! Didja know that my grandfather was once face-to-face with a panther?

- Boy #2: That's nothing! My granny was once face-to-face with a lion! It was drooling...coming closer...closer...

- Boy #1: Gosh! What'd she do?

- Boy #2: She moved away from the cage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers.

One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth.

About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard.

- Here - she said.

- This came in the mail today.

The doctor took the postcard and it read... SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!

How can you compare a lite beer to making love in a canoe?
→ It's fucking close to water!

The young Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed. He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...

The chief answered in his typically poetic way:

- When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth.

Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again…

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

An old lady noticed that she was about out of gas and pulled her car into the nearest self-service gas station. She forgot to put out the cigarette she was smoking as she began to pump her gas, so she flicked it away.

A spark landed on her hand and the gas nozzle. The old lady's arm caught fire. In a feverish attempt to put out the fire, she waved her arm up and down.

A Police officer was nearby, saw what was happening and fired 3 shots at the woman killing her instantly. Shocked onlookers asked the officer why he shot her. The officer said:

- She was waving a firearm.

A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own fault.

He kept getting his orders mixed up. One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on her card:

- Our deepest sympathy.

But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband had just passed away. Her card read:

- Hotter here than I expected. Too bad you didn't come too.

What did the Buddhist ask the pizza maker?
→ Make me one with everything.

One night a boy wakes up and goes into his parents room and they're having sex. He asks what they're doing and the father says:

- we're playing poker - and the mother says:

- & I'm his partner.

He then goes into his grandparents room and asks what they're doing. The grandfather says:

- We're playing poker - and the grandmother says:

- & I'm his partner.

He then goes into his brothers room and he's wanking. He asks what he's doing. The brother says:

- I'm playing poker.

The other brother asks why he doesn't have a partner and the brother replies:

- You don't need a partner if you have a good hand !

Three men meet up on the deck of the rapidly sinking Titanic, a Lawyer, a Catholic Priest and a Social Worker.

They notice that there are only three seats left on the last lifeboat and there are three children standing nearby.

- Social worker: We should give these seats to the children.

- Lawyer: Dont be stupid, fuck the children!

- Catholic priest: Do you really think we've got time?

Amazing and true lawyer statements. Lawyers typically aren't funny - unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide...

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?
3. What happened then?
   → He told me, he says:

- I have to kill you because you can identify me.

Did he kill you?

4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
6. Were you alone or by yourself.

A man was out driving in his car when all of a sudden a rooster ran out in front of his car, he tried to miss it but unfortunately he ran over the rooster & killed it.

He decided that he should go & tell the farmer, so he got out of his car & walked across the road to the farm, walked up to the front door & knocked, the farmer came to the door & the man said:

- I'm afraid I've killed your rooster, please let me replace him.

The farmer said:

- Help yourself, the hens are out in the back.