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Did you hear?

The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery.

Did you know that the inventor of sprinklers was racist?

Yeah, listen to one next time you get a chance, It goes - spic....spic....spic....nigga...nigga...nigga...nigga.........chink!

Late one night a car was swerving all over the road. A police officer pulled them over and went up to the vehicle. He then noticed it was the local preacher, Father McBrian. The officer then asked him why he was swerving all over the road. He said he wasn't.

The officer immediately asked him:

- Father, have you been drinking?

- No... - replied Father.

- Is that liquor in your bottle there Father? - suggested the officer.

- No it's just water - answered Father.

The officer took it and smelled it. He then said:

- Father this is wine.

Father then burst:

- Praise the Lord, He's Done It Again!

A blonde, brunette and a redhead were all in a swimming race. They were supposed to swim the English Channel.

A group of spectators anxiously awaited the three women at the finish line. The brunette came in first, then the redhead a little later. They waited hours for the blonde to show up. When she finally did, they asked her what had taken her so long.

The blonde was very upset as she screamed:

- This was supposed to be a breast stroke race, and those girls were using their arms!!!

So I said:

- Hey man, that's my beer.

Then he says:

- No man, that's my beer.

Then the beers say:

- No man, we're our own beers.

That's when we realized we had too many beers.

1. You stand in "line-ups" at the movie, not lines.
2. You're not offended by the term, "Homo Milk"
3. You understand the phrase, "Could you please pass me a serviette, I just spilled my poutine"
4. You eat chocolate bars instead of candy bars.
5. You drink pop, not soda.
6. You know what it means to be on pogey.
7. You know that a mickey and 2-4's mean "Party at the camp, eh!!"
8. You don't hold your hand on your breast when you sing the national anthem.
9. You can drink legally while still a 'teen.
10. You know that francophones, anglophones and allophones are not electronic devices.

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

- I'm afraid I don't have a husband - she replies.

- O.K. do you have a boyfriend? - asks the Midwife.

- No, no boyfriend either.

- Do you have a partner then?

- No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own.

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman:

- You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black

- Well - replies the girl.

- I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.

A little old lady went to the grocery store & put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl:

- Nothing but the best for my little kitten.

The girl at the cash register said:

- I'm sorry, but we can't sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, & the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat & brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store & bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time…

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk:

- I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?

- About 35 - was the reply.

- I'm actually 47 - the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was:

- Oh you look about 29?

- I am actually 47.

That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied:

- I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was…

This 55-year-old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says:

- You look ridiculous; what on earth are you doing?

She says:

- I just got the results of my annual physical and my doctor said I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.

She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says:

- Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 55-year-old ass?

She says:

- Your name never came up!

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.

After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment, and selected a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as she sipped a drink.

She slowly spread her legs ...

- Honey would you like some of this? - she asked enticingly.

- Hell no! - he gasped, look what it's done to your underwear!

Snappy answers to sappy questions:
All your puny problems solved in 10 words or less!

Dear Abby, What can I do about my little brother? He's such a pest!
→ Have you tried a flyswatter?

Dear Abby, My boss is a mean, unappreciative slave driver who constantly belittles me. What can I do?
→ Shut up and get back to work!

Dear Abby, My dad insists I clean my room! How can I get out of this?
→ Get a new dad.

Dear Abby, Why are you so lazy?
→ Dear loser, Why are you so stupid? Next question.

- I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love - the husband told the counselor.

- Has she started to neglect you?

- Not at all - the dejected man replied.

- She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch.

- So what's the problem?

- Maybe I'm just being too sensitive - the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers:

- Die! Die, you son of a bitch!

Your momma so fat when she wears high heels she strikes oil!

How do you open a can of beer?
→ That's not the point - it should be open when she gives it to you!

How do you drown a blonde?
→ Put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

There were two blonds on their way to Disney World.

When they were getting close there was a sign that read:

- DISNEY WORLD LEFT.

So they turned around and went home.

Princess Diana and Dolly Parton had both died on the same night. When they reached the gates of Heaven they were greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter said:

- Excuse me ladies, but before I let you in... I must know what you were doing when you died... you see Heaven has become AWFULLY crowded...it's our new policy! He smiled.

- Well...if you must know... I was standing in front of the mirror examining my boobs... - Dolly Parton said.

- And I was going to the bathroom! - Princess Diana said.

- You may enter into Heaven...

St. Peter held the gate open for Princess Diana to pass through.

- WAIT A MINUTE! How come she gets to go and not me?! - Dolly Parton asked.

What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
→ A hooker can clean her crack and resell it the next day.

Your mamma's so fat, when she backs up, she beeps!

One day, little Mikey came home from kindergarten and couldn't find his mother. So he headed upstairs and opened her bedroom door.

To his surprise, he saw his dad stripped naked on top of his mom, who was also naked, both heavily into the sexual act. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continued to do what they were doing.

After a couple of minutes, Mikey asked:

- Daddy, can I climb on top and have a horsey ride?

The dad thinks for a second:

- Of course son, we're a family.

After a couple more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

- Hang on Dad! - cries Mikey.

- This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!

"Outside a dog, a book is a great companion. Inside a dog, it's pretty dark!"

If a month would be only 24 hrs long, we would get paid every day and women would bleed to death.

Somewhere in America, next week...

- Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.

- Son: What's up, Dad?

- Dad: There's a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it?

- Son: I don't believe, if I understand the definition of "scratch the car", that I can say, truthfully, that I did not scratch the car.

- Dad: Well, it wasn't there yesterday, and you drove the car last night, and no one else has driven it since. How can you explain the scratch?

- Son: Well, as I've said before, I have no recollection of scratching the car. While it is true that I did take the car out last night, I did not scratch it.

- Dad: But your sister, Monica, has told me she saw you back the car against the mailbox at the end…

What did Clinton say when commenting on Monica?
→ She has the whitest teeth I've ever cum across.