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What did Snow White say when the photographer said her photos were done?
→ I knew some day my prints would come!

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said that, since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed, he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted. Johnny said:

- I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then, when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked:

- What are those for?

The elderly gentleman replied:

This guy woke up one morning and saw his girlfriend with coat on and her bags packed. He said:

- What are you doing?

She said:

- I'm leaving you because I heard you were a pedofile.

And the guy responded:

- Pedofile! That's a pretty big word coming from a twelve year old!

What do you get when you mix a dinosaur and a lesbian?
→ A Lickalotapuss!

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day, the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says:

- It's dark in here, isn't it?

- Yes it is - the man replies.

- You wanna buy a baseball? - the little boy asks.

- No thanks - the man replies.

- I think you do want to buy a baseball - the little extortionist continues.

- Okay. How much? - the man replies, after considering the position he is in.

- Twenty-five dollars - the little boy replies.

- Twenty-five dollars! - the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves when the little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says:

- Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.

The grandfather smiles:

- I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather, impressed with his grandson's ingenuity, hands him five dollars ... then grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little…

Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant, they passed a room where a man was masturbating wildly through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.

- Ah - said the doctor

- Now, although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact, that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much semen that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode.

- Oh - said Her Majesty.

- Well, in that case I suppose it's understandable.

What is a frogs favorite drink?
→ Croak-a-cola!

Why do they always lock the bathroom doors at gas stations?
→ Are they afraid someone might clean them!?

There were three city mice sitting at a bar. The first mouse takes a shot of tequilla, slams the glass on the table and says:

- I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I walk throughout the house collecting mouse poison, return to my nest and grind up the pellets with my morning coffee -- just for an extra jolt to start off each day.

The mice look at each other. The second mouse slams his whiskey -- throws his glass on the floor and says:

- I'm the toughest mouse in this city. I'm so tough that I go up to the trap outside my nest, I trip the lever and make the trap flip in the air, I catch the bar on its way down, bench press it a few times, twirl it over and over with my feet…

Some years ago, on Times Square in NYC, I observed a native American, in full Indian regalia, feather head dress, buckskin clothes, etc.

As a pretty woman would walk by, he would raise his right hand, in an Indian greeting, and say:

- Wanna.

I watched this ritual for about 20 minutes, and I became more curious as he kept making these greetings. Finally, I couldn't resist any longer. I went up to the native American, and said:

- I have been watching you, and I am confused. I thought that Indians say "How."

He turned to me, obviously quite annoyed, and said...:

- ME KNOW HOW...

ME TRYING TO FIND WOMAN WHO WANNA!!

Did you hear about the 4 Pollocks who froze to death in a drive-in movie???
→ They went to see "Closed For the Winter"!

The problem with keeping an open mind is that all my ideas tend to fall out.

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
→ Because 7 8 9!

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailin away ahead of them.

- Engineer: What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!

- Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

- Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him.

- Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?

- George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year, so we let them play here anytime free of charge!

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburg. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass.

Well endowed, gorgeous, amazing. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window.

- Young lady - he began, I would like three pickets to titsburg...

Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest approached.

- Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg - he began, and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.

So of course he also fled.

Then came the third.

- Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburg, and I would…

There's a celery, a carrot, and a dick talking.

The celery was like:

- Man, I got it bad, they chop me up and put me in cold water!

Then the carrot was like:

- You think you got it bad they chop me up and stick me in HOT water!

Then the dick said:

- Ya, well I got it the worst.

They put me in a plastic bag, stick me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I puke!

Why was Raggedy Anne kicked out of the toypen?
→ Because she kept sitting on Pinnochio's face saying:

- Lie to me, lie to me!

A white guy is being shipped off to Jamaica for a year with the army. His fiance, Wendy, is really worried about her man being unfaithful, so she asks him to tattoo her name to his penis...

He agrees, and does so.

When his penis isn't erect you can see the letters W and Y. The woman feeling secure knowing that her name is tattooed on her man's penis says good-bye to her fiance and he leaves for Jamaica.

One day, while in Jamaica, the guy is at the urinal and a black Jamaican comes and stands at the urinal next to him... The white guy happens to notice that the Jamaican also has a tattoo on his penis and he could see the letters W and Y, so he says to the Jamaican:

There were three guys stuck on an island. On of them found a lamp and rubbed it. Out came a genie. He said for freeing me I'll grant you each a wish. The first guy said I wish I were 25% smarter. So poof! He was 25% smater built a raft and got off the island.

The nex guy said I wish I were 50% smarter. So poof! He was 50% smater built a canoe and got off the island.

The last guy said I wish I were 100% smarter. So poof! He was 100% turned into a girl and walked across the bridge!!

Did you hear about the blonde that stared at an orange juice can for 20 minutes because it said concentrate?

How are a vending machine and Monica Lewinsky alike?
→ Insert Bill here.

There was an Irishman, a New Zealand man and an American man standing on the roof of a building, with an awning below them.

The American said to the Irishman:

- I bet I could jump off this roof, land on the awning and bounce back off.

So he jumped off, hit the awning, and was soon back on the roof.

- There. Now you try. - he said to the Irishman.

So the Irishman jumped off, and fell SPLAT on the ground.

The New Zealander said to the American:

- Jeez, Superman, you are a real jerk sometimes!

What does a blonde and a screen door have in common?
→ The more you bang 'em the looser they get.