Two Boll Weevils grew up in South Carolina, one went to Hollywood and became a famous actor while the other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became known as the "lesser of two weevils."
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west and siddles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse.
- But why? - they asked, as they moved off.
- Because, - he said - I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal' while the other goes to a family in Spain and is named 'Juan'. Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds...:
- But they are twins and if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
A Doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the Doctor's drink waiting for him at precisely 5:03 PM. One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The Doctor came in and took a sip of the drink and exclaimed:
- This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!
- No, I'm sorry - replied the bartender...
- It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc.
- Ted: Last night my computer died.
- Ned: What did it die of?
- Ted: A terminal illness
Don't steal... The government doesn't like competition!
Two pieces of string walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bar and says:
- Barkeep! Give me a beer!
The bartender replies:
- Well uh..aren't you a piece of string?
The piece of string answers:
- Yeah!
And the bartender says:
- Well get out of here! We don't serve your kind!
So the first piece of string walks back towards the door. The second piece of string says:
- Hey wait, hold on a minute!
What's better than winning 4 gold medals at the special olympics?
→ Not being retarded!
You're so stupid, you got locked in a grocery store and starved!!
Let a pig and a boy have everything they want, and you'll get a good pig and a bad boy.
You should "never" drink during tax season.
- You might shoot at tax collectors and miss!
What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub?
→ A self cleaning coven!
Don't be sexist... broads hate that!
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
Earn cash in your spare time.. blackmail your friends!
One guy says to another guy:
- Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day...
Right away, his friend interrupts him:
- Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!
So he starts again:
- Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah...
There are three guys who are good friends. One is an American, one is Polish, and one is Italian.
They are driving together one day when they get into a car accident. They all die and float up towards the gates of Heaven. When they get there, an angel who tells them they are all on the border of Heaven and Hell. As a result, they have the choice to either ask a question of the angel or be asked a question. If they answer correctly, or if the angel answers incorrectly on their question, they will pass into Heaven.
The Italian guy goes first. He tells the angel to ask him a question. The angel says:
- How many grains of sand are there in the world?
The Italian guy says:
A Border Patrol agent is on duty. He spots two Mexicans and stops them. They show him their papers, but he thinks they are phony.
He tells them:
- Okay, I have a test for you. I want you to use the words liver and cheese in a sentence.
So, the first guy says:
- I made a liver and cheese sandwich for lunch.
The agent says:
- That was good, you can go. What about you? - he asks the second guy.
He says:
- Liver alone, cheese mine.
What did the blonde say when she saw the YMCA sign??
→ LOOK!!! They spelled MACY's wrong!!!!
For months, Mrs. Pitzel had been nagging her husband to go with her to the seance parlor of Madame Freda:
- Milty, she's a real gypsy, and she brings the voices of the dead from the other world. We all talk to them! Last week, I talked with my mother, may she rest in peace.
- Milty, for twenty dollars you can talk to your zayde (grandfather) who you misses so much!
Milton Pitzel could not resist her appeal. At the very next seance at Madam Freda's Seance Parlor, Milty sat under the colored light at the green table, holding hands with the person on each side.
All were humming:
- Oooom, oooom, tonka tooom.
Madame Freda, her eyes lost in trance, was making passes over a crystal ball.
A researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer.
- So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?
- Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.
- That's very interesting, - replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer.
- So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?
- Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.
- That's very interesting, - replies the researcher.
Why are Blondes like railroad tracks?
→ Because they are famous for getting laid all over the world!!!
Why are there so few Irish lawyers?
→ The majority of them can't pass the bar!
What is total agony?
→ A one-armed man hanging from a twenty story building, with a serious case of jock itch.
