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A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy:

- Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?

The guy replies:

- I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City.

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver:

- Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out:

- I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years.

A bartender was working the late shift. While he was working, a beautiful blonde woman walked in and took a seat at the bar. She ordered up a Coors and sat there drinking for a while. Suddenly, the woman passed out cold on the stool. The bartender had a sudden thought, and so he cautiously looked around. Seeing that no one was around, he closed up the bar, and took advantage of the situation.

The next night, the bartender was, again, working the late shift, but some of his friends stopped by, so he told them about the previous night and his good time with the blonde woman. All of a sudden, the blonde walks in again. The bartender motions to his friends that she is the same lady. The lady…

What nationality are you if you're going to the bathroom?
→ European

And what nationality are you if someone's knocking on the door while you're going?
→ You're a Russian.

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy:

- I've got another dress for you to clean.

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies:

- Come again?

- No - says Monica.

- Mustard!

Why is Chicago called the Windy City?
→ Because the Bears blow!

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said:

- Adam, come over here and sit down!.

And Adam did so.

- Adam - spoke the Creator:

- I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely.

Adam said nothing in response.

- So - continued the Lord:

- I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!

Adam just looked puzzled but interested.

- This person - said the Lord:

Why did the hamster cross the road?
→ Because it was stuck in the Chicken's ass!

What's the biggest pencil in the World?
→ Pennsylvania!

All about smoking:

Remember, smoking doesn't kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's only fair. Since smokers aren't around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they're here.

I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.

Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts -- especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.

Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don't have to cut it off of you.

The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewn right into the lining, and there's a…

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to…

That was Zen, this is Tao.

How can you tell the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
→ SNOWBALLS!!!

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts:

- Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now.

He looks at her and says angrily:

- Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so.

- Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.

To which he replied:

- Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so.

- Fine - she says:

- Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.

- I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps - he says.

A robber was shinning his torch around at some objects.

- Jesus is watching you - a voice said

- Huh?, oh well - the robber said and continued shinning his torch.

- Jesus is watching you - the voice continued.

The robber shined his torch to were the voice came from and found a parrot.

- Oh, it's you - the robber said.

- I'm just trying to warn you - the parrot said.

- Oh, that's nice - the robber said, pretending to be scared:

- what's your name?

- Moses.

How do you tell one end of a worm from the other?
→ Put it in a bowl of flour and wait for it to fart.

Mother Mary held her daughter, 20 minutes under water.

Not to save herself from troubles, but just to see the funny bubbles!

Do you know why David killed Goliath and then decapitated him?
→ He wanted to get a-head!

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered:

- I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.

About a week later, Julie came to John and said:

- Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do…

One bright sunny day, a beautiful blonde girl was cruising the countryside in her new, shiny red sports car. Suddenly, she jammed on the brakes, and she brought the car to a sideways, screeching halt. She quickly jumped out of the car, and ran up the road a little way, to where she began fuming in anger.

For there, about 40 feet in front of her, in the middle of the road, were two other beautiful young blondes, sitting in a rowboat. One was on the middle seat, straining her arms and pulling for all she was worth on a set of oars, while the other was in the bow of the boat shouting through a megaphone:

- Stroke! Stroke!

So infuriated was the first blonde at these two and their foolishness, that…

The latest news is, that Bill Clinton has bought a new cigar holder. Unfortunately, due to security reasons, they can't tell us her name!

For Chocolate Lovers:

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what is wrong with you?

What is Black and White and Red all over?
→ A Newspaper

- Kids: Hello Miss Saunders, can Johnny come out to play?

- Mother: I am sorry kids but you know Johnny has leprosy,

- Kids: Well, then can we come in and watch him rot?

How do you know a blonde's been at your computer?
→ The joystick's wet.

How else do you know a blonde's been at your computer?
→ There's white out on the screen.

How do you know she's been back?
→ There's writing on the white out.

What do a turtle and a blonde have in common?
→ Once they're on their backs, they're fucked!...but at least the turtle tries to get back up!

Why did the condom fly across the room??
→ It got pissed off!!!