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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

- Brenda, may I come in? - he asks.

- I've somethin' to tell ya.

- Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?

- That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery.

- Oh, God no! - cries Brenda.

- Please don't tell me...

- I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim.

- How did it happen, Tim?

In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me:

- You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face, she said:

- See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar!'

There were three men: an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy. They were having a competition to see which one could walk his dog over the desert without needing a drink.

So the Englishman sets off, but he only gets half way.

Then the Scotsman sets off, and he only gets half way too.

But the Chinise guy manages to get all the way across the desert.

The Englishman and the Scottsman asked him how he could possibly do that without any water?

- Me Chinese. Me not Silly, Me stick mouth round doggy's willy

Several nurses on break in the Boston General cafeteria were discussing boyfriends, past and present. Suddenly, a nurse from New York City said:

- Well, I have discovered men are all alike!

Whereupon, a pert little nurse from Dallas laughed and slapped the table.

- Gal, men are all Ah like, too! - she said.

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

- Sid, are there any Jews in China? - asked Al.

- I don't know, - Sid replied.

- Why don't we ask the waiter?

When the waiter came by, Al asked him:

- Are there any Chinese Jews?

- I don't know sir, let me ask, - the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said:

- No, sir. No Chinese Jews.

- Are you sure? - Al asked.

- I will check again, sir. - the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives. Henry started by saying:

- I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a carpenter!

Tom answered:

- Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either. The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a plumber!

Otis then joins in and says:

- Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed. I think my Lina is cheatin' on me with a horse!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
→ To show the squirrel it CAN be done!

Did you ever hear about Blitzen the Brown nosed reindeer?
→ He is twice as fast as Rudolf but doesn't stop as quick!

What do you get when you cut a banana in two?
→ A BANANA SPLIT!

Harry says to his pet parrot Smitty:

- What do you want for your birthday?

Smitty says:

- I want to get laid.

So Harry takes Smitty to a parrot whore house, gives him a hundred bucks, and Smitty goes upstairs with a hot-looking parrot whore.

After a few minutes, Harry hears really loud screeching and squawking, so he runs upstairs and into the room.

There's Smitty, holding down the whore parrot and yanking out her colorful feathers.

- Smitty, what the hell are you doing? - says Harry.

Smitty says:

- For a hundred bucks I want her nude!

Your momma is like a doorknob - everyone gets a turn!

A young West Virginian girl wanted to go to college at UVA. But her father said:

- No Way! You're going to By-God West Virginia Univ.

Well she got her way and she went to UVA. The first semester went by, and she wrote home that she was getting married to a man from Richmond, VA named Clarence. Her father said:

- I'll be damned if my daughter is marrying a man from Richmond. You're marrying a By-God West Virginian boy.

So he sent his two sons to UVA to get their sister. In a couple of days they returned. Dad said:

- Where is your sister?

They replied:

- We were almost there Daddy, and we came up on this overpass that had this sign that read - 'Clarence 13'6"' - so we turned around and got the hell…

What do you call a bull in the middle of a field spanking his monkey?
→ Beef Stroganoff

Why did the toad cross the road?
→ TO Show his girlfriend he has GUTS!

Why can't girls play hockey?
→ Because they have to change their pads every period!

Little Johnny has a question, so he goes around the house to find his father. He opens his dad's bedroom door and finds his mom and dad humping away on the bed!

- Dad! - says Johnny

- What are you doing!

Johhny's father stops humping for a second and says:

- Well, Johnny, I'm playing poker...and your mother's the wild card.

- Oh - says Johnny and he leaves the room.

Still in need of an answer to his question, Little Johnny set out to look for his big brother, Ernie. He opens his brother's bedroom door and finds Ernie and his sister Thelma humping away!

- Ernie! - cried Johnny

- What are you doing!.

Ernie stops humping for a second and says:

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is taking all of her background information and asks her:

- Do you have grounds for a divorce?

To which she replies:

- Well, we have three acres.

- No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up? - asks the attorney.

- No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00 - she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks:

- Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?

Looking very confident she states:

- No, we have a carport.

A man walks into a bar pulling a heavy chain. The bartender asks the man what he could get him and why the man was pulling that chain around?

The man answered:

- HEY!! you ever tried pushing one of these things!!

Women's Lifestyles Through the Ages

DRINK

- 17... Wine coolers

- 25... White wine

- 35... Red wine

- 48... Dom Perignon

- 66... Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser

EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

- 17... Need to wash my hair

- 25... Need to wash and condition my hair

Everybody knows there are different opinions to everything. Here are some:

- A smoking section in a restaraunt is like a peeing section in a pool.

- Always look on the negative side, so you'll never be dissapointed.

- Men are like snow storms, you never know how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

A blond and a brunette are on an elevator, suddenly a good looking handsome man gets on. So then the brunette turns to the blond and says:

- Wow, he is so good looking, but that dandruff on him is a real turn off.

- I think we should give him some Head and Shoulders! - said the brunette.

All of a sudden the blond turned to the brunette with a confused look and said:

- Ok, but how do you give shoulders?

How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
→ Shine a torch in her ear!

Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod -- one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said:

- Sorry, no room. The hotel is full.

The Jewish lady said:

- But your sign says that you have vacancies.

The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly:

- You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town...

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said:

- I'll have you know, I converted to your religion.

The desk clerk said:

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

- Well - he said

- I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out and I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues…

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her:

- Do you know what I'm doing?

- Yes - she replied

- you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.

- That is right - said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts.

- Do you know what I'm doing now? - he asked.

- Yes - the woman said