An eminent teacher and thinker once expressed his philosophy of life:
- When it all boils done to the essence of truth - the philosopher said, one must live by a dog's rule of life:
- If you can't eat it or fuck it...
PISS ON IT!
What is easier to fill a dump truck up with.. dead babies or bowling balls?
→ Dead babies.. because you can use a pitchfork.
The boss of a large company says to his protege:
- I'm transferring you to the northern office.
The protege says:
- But that place is full of whores and football players!
The boss replies:
- My wife used to live there!
The protege quickly responds:
- Really?? What position does she play?
How many seconds are in a year?
→ There are 12 seconds in a year. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...
If the prefix "con" is the opposite of the prefix "pro", then is "Congress" the opposite of "progress"?
- Knock knock.
- Who's there?
- Owls.
- Owls who?
- That's right! Owls hoo!
Two Nuts Where Walking Down The Street. One Was A Salted!
What's the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
→ When you're eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you!
There was no action at the White House the past few days, hear about this?
Yea, I guess it was labeled a "No Open Fly" zone!
How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Three. Two to screw it in, and one to confirm that light began while they were screwing.
A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades -- he had sucessfully cloned a human being.
He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it was an adult. Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists, held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.
When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium. He presented his data -- his pictures, his charts, his graphs -- to an amazed audience. But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where he'd been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.
A brunette was walking on the railroad tracks saying, "21...21....21...." when a blonde jumped on. A train came and the brunette jumped off...the train hit the blonde. The Brunette then got back onto the tracks and started saying, "22.....22......22....."
Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him:
- Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?
The man said:
- No.
Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him:
A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods.
The bear turns to the rabbit and asks:
- Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?
The rabbit says:
- No, of course not!
So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit!
Why'd the chicken cross the road?
→ He was attached to Dennis Rodman's head!
What do you call a gay Jewish person?
→ A He-Blew!
Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
→ You only have to teach them to take off!
What's the difference between a faggot and a queer?
→ A faggot won't go downtown with you to beat up queers!
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one ... but the lightbulb has to REALLY want to change!
A blonde was playing Trivia Pursuit and was asked if she was in a vacuum and someone called out her name, would she hear it?
She thought and answered..:
- is it on or off?
What do you call a bunch of blondes in a basement?
→ A whine cellar
What did the mayonnaise say to the refrigerator?
→ Shut the door, I'm dressing!
How did Stevie Wonder pierce his ears?
→ He answered the stapler (hello? OUCH)
Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing. Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom. The other man frantically screamed, "Roger!", and was relieved to hear a faint reply.
- Okay Rodge - shouted Barry.
- I'm gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it 'round one of your legs and..
but before he could finish, he heard Roger call:
- But both my legs are broke.
Barry suggested his arms, to which the reply was:
- They're broken too!
So finally, Roger held on with his mouth. Barry struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Barry said:
- You right there mate?
to which Rodger replied:
