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A self-centered, unbelieving man... ok a lawyer... died and was delivered into the devil's hands.

- You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you, - the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor.

- I don't like that, - said the man.

- Show me the second.

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor.

- Well, that's better than brick, - the man said, but show me the third.

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

- I'll choose this room, - he said. Into the room he went and the…

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
→ He sold his soul to Santa!

Headline in today's newspaper: "Suicidal Twin kills sister by mistake!"

A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she's wearing earphones connected to her walkman.

She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off her earphones. He had to cut around it. But, he thought it would look really stupid if he didn't cut under her earphones so he picked them up and lifted them slightly.

Suddenly, she fell to the ground, dead. The hair stylist picked up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a recorded voice was saying:

- Breathe In, Breathe Out. Breathe In, Breathe Out.

12. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen?
13. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
14. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket?
15. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I swear to dog.
16. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110 mph.
17. Back off, Barney, I've got a piece.
18. Want to race to the station, Sparky?
19. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men!
20. On the way to the station let's get a six pack.
21. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Homo!

- Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.

- Yes sir, it's fresh ground.

Why are dumb blonde jokes one liners?
→ So men can understand them.

The young newly married Catholic couple were regular attendants at Mass. As like all newly married couples, they were in a constant state of arousal. Well they didn't want to do anything wrong so they approached their Parish Priest for advice.

- Father, - the young couple asked ... is it ok to have sex before Mass?

The not so young Priest responded after a few moments of reflection ...:

- yes my children it's ok to have sex before Mass .. but please don't block the aisles...

A lady had a height problem - she was TOO tall, being excatly 2 meters tall. She hated the way she had to duck to walk through a doorway, the way she felt so uncomfortable in a car... So she visited an expert. The expert said:

- Go visit the Dwarven Town. It's full of dwarfs. Find any dwarf, and ask him if he'll marry you. Every time a dwarf says 'no,' you grow 10 cm shorter!

The lady did as she was told. She went to the Dwarven Town, and found a dwarf, and asked if he would marry her. He refused. She found herself 10 cm shorter. She quickly repeated this act another time on another dwarf. Now 180 cm tall, she decided to ask one more dwarf then go home. She boldly walked up to a dwarf and…

I took some friends out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he too, sported a spoon in his breast pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets.

When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask:

- Why the spoons?

- Well, our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than…

A duck walks into a convenience store. He asks the man at the counter:

- You got any grapes?

Guy at the counter says:

- No, we don't have any grapes.

Duck says:

- okay. - and he leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and says:

- You got any grapes?

The man once again replies:

- No! We do not have any grapes.

What goes Clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop?
→ An Amish drive by shooting!

Why do brunettes like their dark hair color?
→ It doesn't show the dirt.

Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
→ Fisher-Price

Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
→ The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Why are most brunettes flat-chested?
→ It makes it easier for them to read their T-shirts.

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
→ It matches their mustache.

A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.

When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked:

- aren't you afraid of me, I'm evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!

The man replied:

- You don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 35 years.

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette all jump off a cliff. Which one hit the bottom first?
→ Not the blonde, she needed directions!

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
→ The 1988 Hide-and-Go-Seek World Champion.

There was this 8 year old kid who lived with his 82 year old grandma. He had been living with her for some time, and he thought, that with all the work she does, he could at least make her a cup of coffee in the morning. So he woke up early one day, and made a cup of coffee and brought it to his grandma. She took one drink of it and died instantly.

He called 911, and the paramedics rushed over there. While examining the grandma, one of the paramedics pulls out a little plastic green soldier from her throat. After the paramedic learns that the kid made her coffee and put that soldier in there, of course, the first question is "why".

The kid answered:

What happened to Chelsea Clinton's younger brother?
→ Monica swallowed him!

What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
→ Lipstick

Sung to the Oscar Mayer? song:
His baloney has a first name,
It's:

- I did not inhale.

His baloney has a second name:

- I wasn't getting tail.

He loves to sling it every day,
The White House people all just say,
That Billy Clinton has a way
Of making bullshit sound OK!"

- Knock Knock...

- Who's There?

- Boo...

- Boo Who?

- Stop crying it's just a joke!

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
→ Unique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
→ Tame way, unique up on him.

Is that your head or is your neck blowing a bubble?

Don't let your mind wander too far. It is too little to go out alone!

What happens when you play Country music records backwards?
→ You Sober up, your wife comes home and your dog returns to life!