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What did the baby chick say to his mummy when she laid an Orange?
→ "Look what Marma-Lade!!"

How many bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?
→ None! He fell.

- She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.

- She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.

- She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.

- She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.

- She retains more water than Lake Superior.

- She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."

- She buys you a new T-shirt - with a bulls-eye on the front.

- You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says:

- All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?

- She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.

If a Blonde and a Brunette jump off a cliff at the same time, which one gets to the ground first?
→ The brunette... the blonde has to stop and ask for directions!

A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says:

- fill it up, please

The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are occupied by penguins.

- Hey Buddy - says the attendant to the driver:

- These birds can't be happy like this...they're wild animals, you should take them to a zoo or something..

The motorist agrees to do so.

The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once more the attendant sees the penquins installed in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels...

- What's this? - he says to the driver:

- I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?

The driver says:

TOP TEN things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
11. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
12. See if they could finally do the splits.
13. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
14. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
15. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.
16. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
17. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
18. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

TOP TEN things women would do if they woke up and had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
11. Get a blow job.
12. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
13. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
14. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
15. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
16. Touch/shift yourself in public without thought to how improper it may seem.
17. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
18. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be…

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out. Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish. The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii. The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went. The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it's very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!

A bronzed, blonde male surfer type was visiting Boston to attend a friend's wedding. Sitting at the bar at the reception, sucking up his fourth beer, he caught sight of a stunning brunette, whom he had noticed earlier in the church, as she came through the door. His eyes never left her until she was seated on the other side of the bar from him. He got up, slowly walked around the bar to where she was sitting. After pausing on his approach for her to look over his magnificent tanned body, he recited one of his better lines and then bluntly asked if she wanted to 'leave this dump' and go to his hotel room to "Ya know, get to, like, know each other better." She rolled her eyes in disbelief…

There was an elderly couple that was on their way for a 2 week vacation on a carribean cruise. The wife, unfortunately, forgot her hearing aides at home...

Upon arriving to the cabin that was to be theirs during the trip, they noticed that it had 2 bunk beds. So, as they were retiring for the first nite, the husband says to his wife:

- Up, or down?

The wife inexplicably removes all her clothing and makes love to her husband all nite long.

The next nite, the husband wonders if he'll get lucky again... So, he says to his wife:

- Up, or down?

She again removes all her clothing and makes love to him all nite long.

This continues for 2 glorious weeks.

- There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

- If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

- A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

- If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.

- It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

- Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

- You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

- When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

Do you know why the Texas Aggies use artificial turf in their football stadium?
→ It helps stop their cheerleaders from grazing!

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as "Brown-n-Serve," Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart…

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave. Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow:

- What the heck are you doing down there?

And the fellow shouts back:

- Yoga!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT:

- What starting salary were you looking for?

The engineer replied:

- In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.

The interviewer said:

- Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?

The Engineer sat up straight and said:

- Wow! Are you kidding?

The interviewer replied:

- Well Yeah, but you started it.

What's the difference between a brunette and the trash?
→ The trash gets taken out once a week!

At least now, Mr. Clinton, we understand why mattresses are discounted every Presidents Day.

What did the rain cloud wear under his rain coat?
→ Thunder wear!

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
→ A megasorass.

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her. The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him:

- I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied:

- You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly…

Yesterday

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong

TO MY DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

• 54 times the sheets were clean
• 17 times it was too late
• 49 times you were too tired
• 20 times it was too hot
• 5 times you pretended to be asleep
• 22 times you had a headache
• 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
• 16 times you said you were too sore

What is Black and White, and Red all over?
→ A Skunk with a diaper rash.

Two friends in a Bar:

- JACK: Joe, at what moment does your wife shout loudest during sex?

- JOE: Er..., when I clean myself off with the curtains.

- How come blonde girls have bruises around and in their bellybuttons?

- I don't know...

- Why?

- Because blonde boys are stupid as well!