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The bartender asks him:

- What'll you have?

The guy answers:

- A scotch, please

The bartender hands him the drink, and says:

- That'll be five dollars

to which he replies:

- What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender:

- You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration

If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the…

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all - the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

- Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said:

- Actually, I made up the previous statement.

But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you…

A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor.

- Which side is it best to lie on? - she asked.

- The side that pays your fee - replied the doctor.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Abe

- Abe who?

- Abe C D E F G H...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Abbey

- Abbey who?

- Abbey stung me on the nose!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Abba

- Abba who?

- Abba'out turn! Quick march!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Aaron

- Aaron who?

- Aaron the barber's floor!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Aardvark

- Aardvark who?

- Aardvark a million miles for one of your smiles!

What do you get if you cross King Kong with a giant frog?
→ A monster that climbs up the Empire State Building and catches aeroplanes with its tongue.

What happened when King Kong swallowed Big Ben?
→ He found time-consuming.

What do you do if King Kong sits in front of you at the cinema?
→ Miss most of the film!

Why did King Kong join the army?
→ To learn about gorilla warfare.

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

- How about some perfume? - he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

- That's a bit much - said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

- That's still quite a bit - Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

- What I mean - said Tim - is I'd like to see something really cheap.

The clerk handed him a mirror.

The Judge admonished the witness:

- Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?

- I do.

- Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?

- Sure - said the witness - My side will win.

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.

- I'm as sober as you are, your honor - the man claimed.

The judge replied:

- Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers:

- So - he said - I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe. Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

- You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ...:

- Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.

The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge:

- I dont recognize this court!

- Why? - asked the Judge.

- Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was here.

The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one:

- So how do you plead?

- Not guilty - said the second defendant.

- I wasn't talking to you - the judge replied.

- I never said a word - the third defendant replied.

When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read:

- Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.

The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town.

- Well, then - the reporter said - the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'.

- Actually - the man said - I'm from Connecticut.

- In that case - the reporter said in a huff - the headline should read, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'.

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He submitted the following report to his editor:

- Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts.

The Editor scolded the new reporter:

- This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report:

- Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today.

She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )

Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says:

- Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish.

The photographer went first:

- I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries. The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next:

- I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no…

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

- It will be waiting for you at the airport! - he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.

He jumped in with his equipment and yelled:

- Let's go! Let's go!

The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

- Fly over the north side of the fire - said the photographer - and make three or four low level passes.

- Why? - asked the pilot.

A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly:

- Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.