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- Policeman: Didn't you see that stop sign?

- Driver: I keep my eyes closed in traffic.

- Policeman: Didn't you see my lights flashing?

- Motorist: No, I was going faster than the speed of light.

- Policeman: Didn't you hear my siren?

- Motorist: Sure, that's why I sped up.

- Policeman: Didn't you hear me whistle at you?

- Woman Driver: Sure, but I don't flirt when I drive.

- Policeman: Did you realize you just missed that bus with your car?

- Motorist: Did you want me to hit it?

- Policeman: Are you going to a fire?

- Motorist: No, I'm trying to prevent one. That's what my boss said would happen if I were late again.

- Police Officer: Why were you speeding?

- Women Driver: I was late for traffic school.

- Police Officer: Why are you driving in a bathing suit?

- Motorist: I'm in a car pool.

- Motorist: Does a deer have a horn?

- Police Officer: No, a deer has two horns.

- Motorist: Then it must have been a car that ran over my uncle.

- Motorist: When I bought this car you told me it was rust-free, but underneath it's covered with rust

- Dealer: Yes, sir. The car is rust-free. We didn't charge you for it, did we?

Which snakes are found on cars?
→ Windscreen vipers.

What's the difference between a schoolteacher and a train driver?
→ A schoolteacher says, "Spit out that toffee" and a train says, "Choo, choo."

Why is it not safe to doze on trains?
→ Because they run over sleepers.

How did the woman feel when she got run over by a car?
→ Tired.

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

- What's going on? - she yells out the window.

- Cow on the track! - replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells:

- What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?

A motorist ran into a shop.

- Do you own a black and white cat? - he asked.

- No - replied the manager.

- Oh dear - said the motorist.

- I must have run over a nun.

- My sister's a really bad driver.

- What makes you say that?

- Every time she goes out in the car, Dad puts a glass panel in the floor so that she can see who she's run over.

You know all that talk about backseat driving?

Well, I've been driving all my life and can safely say that I've never heard a word from the back seat.

What kind of car do you drive?
→ A hearse!

A man whose son had just passed his driving test went home one evening and found that the boy had driven slap into the living room.

- How did you manage to do that? - he fumed.

- Quite simple, Dad. I came in through the kitchen and turned left!

"Take the wheel, Harry!" said the nervous lady driver. "There's a tree coming straight for us!"

- Learner driver: What happens when everything's coming your way?

- Instructor: You're in the wrong lane.

What is an autograph?
→ A chart which shows car sales.

What is an autobiography?
→ The life story of an automobile.

On Fred's 17th birthday, his Dad said he'd take him out for his first driving lesson.

As they got in the car, the father said:

- Just one thing, Fred. If you're going to hit anything, make sure it's cheap.

A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."