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Why did the dog cross the road?
→ Because it was the chickens day off.

What do you say to a dog before he eats?
→ Bone appetite!

How do you get a dog to stop barking in the back seat of a car?
→ Put him in the front seat.

What has got four legs and an arm?
→ A Rottweiler in a playground.

How did bulldogs get such flat noses?
→ From chasing cars.

Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
→ Because you can't bury them in the sky!

When's the best time to take your doberman pinscher for a walk?
→ Anytime he wants to go.

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

- I'll be ready in a few minutes - she said.

- Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through.

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out.

- Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?

- To tell the the truth - he replied.

- he seemed a little depressed to me.

A local business was looking for office help.

They put a sign in the window, stating the following:

- HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.

He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said:

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him:

- My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?

- Well - said the vet.

- let's have a look at him.

The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

- Well - says the vet.

- I'm going to have to put him down.

- Just because he's cross-eyed? - says the man.

- No, because he's heavy - says the vet.

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

- That is a very smart dog - the man commented.

- He's not so smart - said one of the irked players.

- Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.

- Doctor, doctor! - said the panic-stricken woman.

- my husband was asleep with his mouth open, and he's swallowed a mouse! What shall I do?

- Quite simple - said the doctor calmly.

- You just tie a lump of cheese to a piece of string and lower it into your husband's mouth. As soon as the mouse takes a bite, haul it out.

- Oh, I see. Thank you, doctor. I'll go around to the fishmonger straight away and get a cod's head.

- What do you want a cod's head for?

- Oh- I forgot to tell you. I've got to get the cat out first!

- Doctor: Good news, you passed your hearing test!

- Patient: HUH

- Jack: My brother was sick and went to the doctor.

- John: Is he feeling better now?

- Jack: No, he has a broken arm.

- John: How did he break it?

- Jack: Well, the doctor gave him a prescription and told him no matter what happened, to follow that prescription. And the prescription blew out of the window.

- John: How did he break his arm?

- Jack: He fell out of the window trying to follow the prescription.

- The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure?

- Doctor: Yes, that is true.

- P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure?

- D: Yes, that is also true.

- P: So, in average, I live normally.

When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver.

A woman was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her back.

- Step aside, lady - he barked.

- I've taken a course in first aid.

The woman watched him for a few minutes, then tapped his shoulder.

- Pardon me - she said.

- But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.

A nurse had to take a patient back to her room after surgery. Woman was still feeling the effects of the anesthetic and was rather confused. After nurse had made her comfortable, she was confronted with four of woman friends who asked:

- How is she?

The nurse replied:

- Oh, she's quite dopey.

One of the friends said:

- We know that, but how is she healthwise?

- Doctor, Doctor, my little brother thinks he's a computer.

- Well bring him in so I can cure him.

- I can't, I need to use him to finish my homework.

- Doctor, doctor, can I have a bottle of aspirin and a pot of glue?

- Why?

- Because I've been at my computer all day and I've got a splitting headache!

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:

- Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.

- That is very kind of you - said the doctor emotionally, and then added:

- May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change...

Did you hear about the two podiatrists who opened their offices on the same street?
→ They were arch enemies.

What do you get if you have strep throat on Friday?
→ Saturday Night Fever.

What kind of physician works on a cruise liner?
→ A dry doc.

Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
→ In case they have to draw blood.

- Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a snake about to shed its skin.

- Why don't you go behind the screen and slip into something more comfortable then!